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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information and make comparison

the graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information and make comparison
#information #numbers #participants #activities #centre #melbourne #australia #period #summarise #comparison
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The line graph illustrates the number of people
participated
Correct pronoun usage
who participated
show examples
 in 5 different activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia from 2000 to 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
,
participants
Use synonyms
 tend to increase in most of the activities except for Amateur dramatics, which saw a downward in 2005 and onward.
Film
Use synonyms
club
Use synonyms
being
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 the highest category of all
while
Linking Words
 the other four were approximately 2 times lower. In 2000, both
film
Use synonyms
club
Use synonyms
 and martial arts had
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
participants
Use synonyms
 slightly decreased to 2005 when the individuals
took
Correct pronoun usage
who took
show examples
 part in martial arts grew, it took another five years for ones in
film
Use synonyms
club
Use synonyms
 to
rose
Wrong verb form
rise
show examples
 back again.
While
Linking Words
 the number
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
film
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 continued to
grew
Change the verb
grow
show examples
 onward, martial arts experienced
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gradually
Change the adverb
gradual
show examples
 growth
as well as
Linking Words
 a
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 fluctuation. Starting at 0
participants
Use synonyms
 in 2000, the situation in musical performances remained unchanged for the next five years,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, either table tennis or amateur dramatics had their
participants
Use synonyms
 increased and were expected to be equal in 2010 before they
diverge
Wrong verb form
diverged
show examples
 completely for the next 10 years. The former boosted and stood right after
Film
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
club
Capitalize word
Club
show examples
 as the latter dropped dramatically and placed at the bottom of the list. Meanwhile, from 2005 onward the
participants
Use synonyms
 in musical performances grew rapidly and surpassed amateur dramatics at the number of 15 in 2015.
Submitted by nphminh0207 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words participants, film, club with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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