Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

besity

Correct your spelling

obesity

has become the new pandemic of

this

Linking Words

era. Many countries are fighting the huge increase in their statistics with

people

Use synonyms

suffering from deceases that are a consequence of ?? overweight.

This

Linking Words

unfortunately happens despite the fact that there is more

scientistic

Correct your spelling

scientific

show examples

data available about how our diet impacts directly

Change preposition

apply

show examples

our health. In

this

Linking Words

essay

Add a comma

essay,

show examples

I will give some reasons and solutions

about

Change preposition

show examples

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

.   One of the main

cause

Fix the agreement mistake

causes

show examples

of the increase in obesity is industrialization.

This

Linking Words

is because in the

last

Linking Words

decades

Add a comma

decades,

show examples

we have dramatically changed the

way

Use synonyms

we produce foodstuffs. Processed food contains a lot of conservatives and other additives that both

combined

Wrong verb form

combine

show examples

Fix the infinitive

to awake

show examples

awake

Replace the word

awaken

show examples

people

Use synonyms

the desire

of eating

Change preposition

to eat

show examples

constantly. What is more, these ingredients, far from being nutritious, have what are known as “empty calories”, aggregating only fat in our bodies. The

way

Use synonyms

forward to tackle

this

Linking Words

issue might be, on the one hand, ?? start growing our own food. In many

homes

Add a comma

homes,

show examples

families have started planting some vegetables at their backyards and

balcons

Correct your spelling

balconies

On the other hand

Linking Words

, being more conscious when buying our groceries,

checking

Correct word choice

and checking

show examples

its

Correct pronoun usage

their

show examples

ingredients and the

way

Use synonyms

they were produced, is a good tool to tackle

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

For example

Linking Words

, many countries have implemented

labeling

Change the spelling

labelling

show examples

laws in order to inform

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

consumers what they are acquiring. Another reason of overweight, mainly in children, is the lack of eating education and sedentarism. Nowadays many children and adolescents

spent

Wrong verb form

spend

show examples

many hours studying and playing seated in front of a computer. Those problems can be solved by imparting nutrition classes at schools and motivating students with sports programs and physical games. A third root of

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

is the

excesive

Correct your spelling

excessive

use of cars and public transport. It is known that a large part of adults barely exercise and

spent

Wrong verb form

spend

show examples

many hours seated in front of their desks. A solution for

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

is for governments to foster the use of alternative means of transport

such

Linking Words

as bicycles, improving

bicycles

Change the noun form

bicycle

show examples

paths and reinforcing public security in order to make

people

Use synonyms

feel safe when travelling with

another vehicles

Replace the adjective

another vehicle

other vehicles

show examples

than cars and public transport. Another

way

Use synonyms

of stimulating the use of alternative

locomotive

Fix the agreement mistake

locomotives

show examples

is by providing at enterprises free parking lots for bicycles,

for instance

Linking Words

. Summarising, tackling the

problem

Use synonyms

of obesity is a responsibility not only of individuals but of the community as a whole. Adopting small but effective new habits

such

Linking Words

as being conscious about what we eat,

excercising

Correct your spelling

exercising

more and providing governments and workplaces incentives for

people

Use synonyms

to travel differently, are some good practices to adopt, in order to improve the health of the population by reducing those bad practices that make

people

Use synonyms

gain weight and eat unhealthy.

laura.trevino.ar

Dec 2, 2024

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improvement

Work on structuring your essay more logically, ensuring that each paragraph connects smoothly to the next to improve overall flow.

improvement

Enhance the depth of your ideas. While you have several points, adding more detail or examples for each would strengthen your argument.

improvement

Try to use more precise language and check for minor grammatical errors, as these can slightly impact clarity.

positive

You present a clear introduction and conclusion, setting a strong framework for your essay.

positive

You address the task by discussing multiple factors contributing to obesity and suggesting solutions, which shows a comprehensive attempt to cover the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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6
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
24
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

444 words

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Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days, many people enjoy watching sports on TV. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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