Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?
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besity
has become the new pandemic of Correct your spelling
obesity
this
era. Many countries are fighting the huge increase in their statistics with people
suffering from deceases that are a consequence of ?? overweight. This
unfortunately happens despite the fact that there is more scientistic
data available about how our diet impacts directly Correct your spelling
scientific
in
our health. In Change preposition
apply
this
essay
I will give some reasons and solutions Add a comma
essay,
about
Change preposition
to
this
problem
.
One of the main cause
of the increase in obesity is industrialization. Fix the agreement mistake
causes
This
is because in the last
decades
we have dramatically changed the Add a comma
decades,
way
we produce foodstuffs. Processed food contains a lot of conservatives and other additives that both combined
Wrong verb form
combine
Fix the infinitive
to awake
awake
in Replace the word
awaken
people
the desire of eating
constantly. What is more, these ingredients, far from being nutritious, have what are known as “empty calories”, aggregating only fat in our bodies. The Change preposition
to eat
way
forward to tackle this
issue might be, on the one hand, ?? start growing our own food. In many homes
families have started planting some vegetables at their backyards and Add a comma
homes,
balcons
. Correct your spelling
balconies
On the other hand
, being more conscious when buying our groceries, checking
Correct word choice
and checking
its
ingredients and the Correct pronoun usage
their
way
they were produced, is a good tool to tackle this
problem
. For example
, many countries have implemented labeling
laws in order to inform Change the spelling
labelling
the
consumers what they are acquiring.
Another reason of overweight, mainly in children, is the lack of eating education and sedentarism. Nowadays many children and adolescents Correct article usage
apply
spent
many hours studying and playing seated in front of a computer. Those problems can be solved by imparting nutrition classes at schools and motivating students with sports programs and physical games.
A third root of Wrong verb form
spend
this
problem
is the excesive
use of cars and public transport. It is known that a large part of adults barely exercise and Correct your spelling
excessive
spent
many hours seated in front of their desks. A solution for Wrong verb form
spend
this
problem
is for governments to foster the use of alternative means of transport such
as bicycles, improving bicycles
paths and reinforcing public security in order to make Change the noun form
bicycle
people
feel safe when travelling with another vehicles
than cars and public transport. Another Replace the adjective
another vehicle
other vehicles
way
of stimulating the use of alternative locomotive
is by providing at enterprises free parking lots for bicycles, Fix the agreement mistake
locomotives
for instance
.
Summarising, tackling the problem
of obesity is a responsibility not only of individuals but of the community as a whole. Adopting small but effective new habits such
as being conscious about what we eat, excercising
more and providing governments and workplaces incentives for Correct your spelling
exercising
people
to travel differently, are some good practices to adopt, in order to improve the health of the population by reducing those bad practices that make people
gain weight and eat unhealthy.Submitted by laura.trevino.ar on
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improvement
Work on structuring your essay more logically, ensuring that each paragraph connects smoothly to the next to improve overall flow.
improvement
Enhance the depth of your ideas. While you have several points, adding more detail or examples for each would strengthen your argument.
improvement
Try to use more precise language and check for minor grammatical errors, as these can slightly impact clarity.
positive
You present a clear introduction and conclusion, setting a strong framework for your essay.
positive
You address the task by discussing multiple factors contributing to obesity and suggesting solutions, which shows a comprehensive attempt to cover the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example