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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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There is no denying the fact that
music
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 is the best way to collect
people
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 of various
cultures
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 and
ages
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 together.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
music
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 gives us a sense of familiarity and empathy, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that a significant part of social cohesion is gathering and listening to
music
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.
To begin
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 with, needless to say, everyone likes the
music
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 atmosphere.
In other words
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, there are a bunch of sorts of
music
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, and plenty of
people
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 are more inclined to classical
music
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due to
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 it giving peaceful feelings.
In addition
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, a lot of countries rely on
music
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 to express their tradition, and recently,
music
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 has incorporated
ages
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 by one sort of
music
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.
For example
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, Korea has a substantial number of fans who have different
ages
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 and
cultures
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,
such
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 as K-Pop, which consists of 5 men, and they have a lot of different
music
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, and individuals love them. Another point to consider is that others think not only
music
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 could bring
people
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 of various
cultures
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 and
ages
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 together,
whereas
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 foods and sports are considered a major factor in merging
cultures
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 and
ages
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that football has a Huge fan from different nations and players are very popular among adults and children.
Moreover
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, nowadays, we witness a lot of famous players moving to another team, and their fans seem to be cheering for their new team.
For instance
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, Ronaldo is a famous player soccer in the world and teenagers and older
people
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, encourage him with all their love. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that
music
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 has a vital part in our society, and I could not agree more with
this
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 statement, because
music
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 gives us a sense of goodness and reduces our anxiety.
Submitted by raghadyaseer2015 on

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task achievement
Clarify some of the main points. For example, the argument about people preferring classical music could be clearer and more explicitly linked to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all ideas and facts presented are focused on the main argument that music unifies people from different backgrounds.
coherence cohesion
The essay introduces and concludes the ideas effectively.
task achievement
There are relevant and specific examples provided, such as the mention of K-Pop and Ronaldo in sports.
task achievement
The essay successfully communicates the role of music in bringing people together, showing a good understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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