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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The pie charts on the left illustrate the proportion of three electricity-generating sources in the German and French markets in 2009 while the charts on the right further detail the composition of the segment of renewable energy in that same year.

The pie charts on the left illustrate the proportion of three electricity-generating sources in the German and French markets in 2009 while the charts on the right further detail the composition of the segment of renewable energy in that same year.
#proportion #three #sources #german #markets #right #detail #composition #segment #energy #year
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the
two
Use synonyms
 pie charts on the left illustrate the amount of percentage of three different
electricity
Use synonyms
 production sources in
Germany
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 and
France
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
two
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 pie charts on the right depict the three main compositions of renewable
energy
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 biomass, hydroelectric, and wind in 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, the most common
energy
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 generation in
Germany
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 was conventional thermal
while
Linking Words
 nuclear power accounted for the vast majority of electric production in
France
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. In terms of renewable
energy
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, biomass, and wind were the
two
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 primary compositions in
Germany
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 in
France
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 Hydroelectric was the main
energy
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. It can be seen that, in 2009,
Germany
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 and
France
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 generated relatively close with 560 billion KWH and 510 billion KWH, in which conventional thermal production in
Germany
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 made up the highest proportion at 59.6%,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 figure for
France
Use synonyms
 just around a tenth.
By contrast
Linking Words
, most of the
electricity
Use synonyms
 in
France
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 was produced from nuclear power with three-fourths.
Whereas
Linking Words
 renewable
electricity
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 in both countries took up the lowest portion with 17.4 and 13.7, respectively. Regarding natural
energy
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, the
two
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 countries had a significant difference. In
Germany
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,
electricity
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 generated from Biomass and Wind made up a large portion at 39.3 and 36.9, respectively.
In contrast
Linking Words
, both of them just made under a tenth percentage out of total renewable
energy
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. In
France
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, natural resources were produced mostly from Hydroelectricity with 80,5 by far higher than any others.
Finally
Linking Words
, solar geothermal had a negligible percentage in both countries.
Submitted by kyobi46455 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words two, electricity, germany, france, energy with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrate" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • electricity-generating sources
  • markets
  • renewable energy
  • composition
  • nuclear energy
  • fossil fuels
  • generate electricity
  • comprise
  • contrast
  • double
  • compare
  • utilize
  • segment
  • dependency
  • significant differences
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