IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think that the government should increase the price of fattening foods to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #government #price #foods #address
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Individuals are becoming overweight these days. Some masses believe authorities should increase the prices of fast
food
Use synonyms
,
then
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this
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 problem will be solved, as it will be out of budget for most
people
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.
However
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, I disagree with
this
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 statement to some extent because if
people
Use synonyms
 are aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the outcomes of eating fatty meals,
then
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 possibly they leave them. I will discuss the matter in forthcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
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 it's the government's responsibility to make their country fit. So, when they incline the rates of fried
food
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,
then
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public
Correct article usage
the public
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 who has a normal budget,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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starts to eat homemade stuff.
For example
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, everyone is busy
due to
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 the tight schedule and they do not have enough time to cook cuisine at home.
Furthermore
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, they prefer to eat outside and after passing time eating unhealthy edibles becomes a habit,
therefore
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, they become fatty.
Additionally
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, when the government
gave
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
 instructions to raise prices,
then
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 it
puts
Verb problem
has
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 direct effects on folk's financials and they ignore restaurant meals.
As a result
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, when human beings eat healthy edibles, they do not become obese. On the disagree side,
people
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 should know the advantages of having fast
food
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, if they have enough knowledge and advantages of eating healthy meals
then
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, definitely they choose handmade
food
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 items. To exemplify, 55% of folks know that if they have fried Cuisines, they can not only face obesity but
also
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 diabetes, Asthma and Allergies, which makes them ill and weak.
In addition
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, they only choose healthy
food
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 which increases their immunity concentration and disease-free health, which is crucial to be healthy.
Hence
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, if
people
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will
Verb problem
are
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 educated about the benefits of eating healthy,
then
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 they will do everything which suits their bodies.
To conclude
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,
although
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 the rise in the rates of
food
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 declined sales,
as
Correct word choice
apply
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 it is bad for humans.
However
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, the masses should have sufficient knowledge towards good and junk
food
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, which plays a very important role in decreasing obesity among
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by satnamkalsi06 on

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task achievement
Provide more balanced argumentation by exploring both sides more deeply. This will enhance the task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Clarify transitions between main ideas to improve logical flow and coherence.
general language
Enhance sentence variety and vocabulary usage to improve clarity and engagement.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion that contextualize the discussion well.
task achievement
The argument is supported with examples, which adds to the depth of analysis.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fattening foods
  • obesity epidemic
  • public health
  • government intervention
  • taxation policy
  • price elasticity
  • consumer behavior
  • socioeconomic impact
  • nutritional education
  • lifestyle changes
  • healthier alternatives
  • balanced diet
  • financial incentives
  • eating habits
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