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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In education and employeement, some people work harder than others. WHy they work hard? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

#education #employeement #people #work
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Number
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A number
The number
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 of
people
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work
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 harder than others, especially in spheres
such
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 as schooling and employment.
People
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work
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 harder than others to get some respect from
people
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such
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 as parents or employers.
However
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, it is not advantageous for
people
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 to
work
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 hard. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will answer questions.
Firstly
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, hard
work
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 is one of the diagnoses when children have not got sufficient attention from parents. Since they became adults there is a viable influence on their job.
For example
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, individuals who do not get enough attention and support will
do
Verb problem
find
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 it harder to prove to their parents that they are worth it. It can be seen in professional employees or athletes who are pushing themselves believing that their value is concerned with their accomplishments.
However
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, working beyond
of
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apply
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barriers will lead to negative consequences
such
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 as mental illness and problems with health.
For instance
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, office workers have the possibility to have issues with their eyes. Because they are working on a computer that has downside effects, if
sit
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sitting
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 on the computer plenty of time. Mental illness
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also
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is also
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 a prime reason to not
work
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 extra hours, because from
this
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people
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 will be more
stressful
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stressed
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 and anxious. As an example,
people
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 who
work
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 overtime in the office get angry and disappointed In conclusion, some
people
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work
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 hard because they have some mental health problems from their childhood.
Nevertheless
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, it is not recommended to
work
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 hard, since it leads to a group of troubles with health and mind
such
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 as mental illness and difficulty with eyes.
Submitted by erkasiet2008 on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that your essay fully explores both aspects of the question. While you've answered why people work hard, you can expand more on whether it's always a good thing and discuss potential exceptions or benefits of hard work.
coherence cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader and strengthen the structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively outline and summarize the main points of your argument, which helps the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to cover both parts of the question, which is a good approach to task achievement.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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