Write about the following topic: It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience
It is usually thought that every person should put
money
aside for their future
, including young people
. I agree with this
statement but I also
believe that excessive money
saving could lead to unhappiness.
Money
saving can lead to economic independence for an individual but also
for its descendants. The benefits of this
extend from buying consumer goods to address
health issues. Wrong verb form
addressing
For example
, someone
by saving money
could buy a house or a car that would fulfill their basic needs and also
make their life, and possibly their kids' life, more comfortable. This
example mainly applies for
young Change preposition
to
people
because they have more time to save money
and build a sustainable future
. Additionally
, they could also
use their savings when a critical situation comes, like a
surgery, where Correct article usage
apply
money
would be urgently needed.
“First of all, saving money
can have many benefits for someone
, regardless of their age. Specifically, when someone
saves money
, they can afford things that otherwise
wouldn’t be possible for them. For
example
he could buy a house or a car that would make his Add a comma
example,
future
life more comfortable. Additionally
, he could also
use his savings in a critical situation where money
would be urgently needed like Add an article
the money
a
surgery. Correct article usage
apply
Lastly
, saving money
, especially from a younger age, would certainly help someone
to be economically independent and also
it could Rephrase
apply
also
benefit his kids or relatives.”
On the other
hand
there is a risk of excessive Add a comma
hand,
money
saving which can lead individuals to antisocial behaviours and eventually unhappiness, regardless of their age. That is
to say, many people
are only focused on how they can save as much money
as possible and they stop having any interest in caring about other people
’s lives. For
instance
nowadays, It is very common for Add a comma
instance,
people
to keep saving more and more money
, but they never or very rarely use them
, making the whole Correct pronoun usage
it
money saving
process an end in itself and at the same time don’t have any free time or energy left.
Add a hyphen
money-saving
To conclude
, I agree that saving money
is indeed important for everyone,
since Remove the comma
apply
this
could help them build a more sustainable future
both for them
and Correct pronoun usage
themselves
also
for their kids. However
, people
must be aware that excessive money
saving could potentially drain all of their energy, leaving them distant from others and eventually unhappy.Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on
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coherence cohesion
While the essay generally supports its main points with examples, ensure that each paragraph develops one clear idea consistently. This will enhance the coherence of your work.
coherence cohesion
Expand on the introduction by briefly outlining the main ideas you plan to discuss in your essay. This will provide a clearer roadmap for readers.
task achievement
Clarify your argument in the introduction by specifying the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement.
task achievement
Strive for clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to strengthen the logical flow of your argument.
task achievement
The essay includes a well-rounded discussion of both the benefits and potential downsides of saving money, which enriches the task response.
task achievement
Examples used in the essay are relevant and effectively illustrate the main points being discussed.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the author's stance, providing closure to the discussion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.