It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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It is usually thought that every person should put
money
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aside for their
future
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, including young
people
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. I agree with
this
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statement but I
also
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believe that excessive
money
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saving could lead to unhappiness.
Money
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saving can lead to economic independence for an individual but
also
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for its descendants. The benefits of
this
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extend from buying consumer goods to
address
Wrong verb form
addressing
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health issues.
For example
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,
someone
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by saving
money
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could buy a house or a car that would fulfill their basic needs and
also
Linking Words
make their life, and possibly their kids' life, more comfortable.
This
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example mainly applies
for
Change preposition
to
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young
people
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because they have more time to save
money
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and build a sustainable
future
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.
Additionally
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, they could
also
Linking Words
use their savings when a critical situation comes, like
a
Correct article usage
apply
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surgery, where
money
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would be urgently needed. “First of all, saving
money
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can have many benefits for
someone
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, regardless of their age. Specifically, when
someone
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saves
money
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, they can afford things that
otherwise
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wouldn’t be possible for them.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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he could buy a house or a car that would make his
future
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life more comfortable.
Additionally
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, he could
also
Linking Words
use his savings in a critical situation where
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money
Add an article
the money
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would be urgently needed like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
surgery.
Lastly
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, saving
money
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, especially from a younger age, would certainly help
someone
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to be economically independent and
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
apply
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it could
also
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benefit his kids or relatives.”
On the other
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hand
Add a comma
hand,
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there is a risk of excessive
money
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saving which can lead individuals to antisocial behaviours and eventually unhappiness, regardless of their age.
That is
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to say, many
people
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are only focused on how they can save as much
money
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as possible and they stop having any interest in caring about other
people
Use synonyms
’s lives.
For
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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nowadays, It is very common for
people
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to keep saving more and more
money
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, but they never or very rarely use
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
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, making the whole
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money saving
Add a hyphen
money-saving
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process an end in itself and at the same time don’t have any free time or energy left.
To conclude
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, I agree that saving
money
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is indeed important for everyone
,
Remove the comma
apply
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since
this
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could help them build a more sustainable
future
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both for
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
and
also
Linking Words
for their kids.
However
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,
people
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must be aware that excessive
money
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saving could potentially drain all of their energy, leaving them distant from others and eventually unhappy.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay generally supports its main points with examples, ensure that each paragraph develops one clear idea consistently. This will enhance the coherence of your work.
coherence cohesion
Expand on the introduction by briefly outlining the main ideas you plan to discuss in your essay. This will provide a clearer roadmap for readers.
task achievement
Clarify your argument in the introduction by specifying the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement.
task achievement
Strive for clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to strengthen the logical flow of your argument.
task achievement
The essay includes a well-rounded discussion of both the benefits and potential downsides of saving money, which enriches the task response.
task achievement
Examples used in the essay are relevant and effectively illustrate the main points being discussed.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the author's stance, providing closure to the discussion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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