IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Parents should encourage their children to spend less time on studying and more time on doing sports and other physical activities. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children #time #sports #activities
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Promoting physical activities over endless studying is something
parents
 should encourage. Physical exercises provide not only a fit body but
also
 keep balance with mental health,
however
, studying influences students to gain weight of knowledge.
Thus
, there has to harmonise between physical activity and studying, so
this
 essay disagrees with
this
 statement. First of all, there are some benefits of doing physical routines which might involve students. The health of children during the school year is very important. So,
parents
 should always keep their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 fit. Sport-related activities are the best way to reduce stress and anxiety.
Moreover
, it helps in developing qualities
such
 as team spirit, leadership, co-ordination etc., students can
also
 make their career in sports afterwards.
Secondly
, if the athletics routine is important for a child's health development, learning is a significant factor in intellectual development. So a reasonable time should be spent on studies. Excellent grades and good academic performance will improve a child's mindset to be greater and it's cultivating adaptation in society. But,
parents
 should not admire
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
 only when he
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
an A grades
Correct the article-noun agreement
an A grade
A grades
show examples
. Having good study skills can improve their confidence, competence, and self-esteem,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it's
also
 important not to overdo it with studying. In conclusion, amusement plays a key role in their lives,
such
 as studies promoting their bright futures.
Therefore
,
parents
 should encourage their kids to spend their time on subjects and activities.
Submitted by aluagabitova on

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task achievement
Clarify and strengthen your argument in the introduction. It's important to state your position clearly. Consider revising the sentence 'Thus, there has to harmonise between physical activity and studying, so this essay disagrees with this statement' as it's slightly ambiguous.
task achievement
Expand on examples by providing more specific and relevant scenarios to support your argument. For instance, mention a study or real life example about how balancing education and sports benefits a child’s overall development.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by avoiding awkward phrases or abrupt changes. For example, 'Sport-related activities are the best way to reduce stress and anxiety.' could be more seamlessly integrated with the previous sentence.
coherence cohesion
Improve cohesion by ensuring each paragraph smoothly transitions from one idea to another. Words like 'Additionally', 'Furthermore', or 'However' can improve the flow.
coherence cohesion
The essay starts well with a clear distinction between physical activity and studying, highlighting their respective benefits like stress reduction, knowledge gain, and social skills.
task achievement
Good causality and consequence demonstrated in regards to physical and mental well-being due to sports.
task achievement
You made a valid point on how both intellectual and physical development contribute meaningfully to a student's life.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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