IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The number of people who are overweight is constantly growing, and the only solution is to increase the prices of unhealthy food and drinks. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #prices #food #drinks
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In modern society, there is a serious problem
that
Correct word choice
apply
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the number of individuals who become obese is increasing, and the sole solution is to
grow
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
 the
cost
Use synonyms
 of harmful
food
Use synonyms
 and beverages. From my perspective, it seems absurd since there are some
effecitve
Correct your spelling
effective
 alternatives to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, I
accpet
Correct your spelling
accept
 that increasing
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 is the most simple plan to solve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity. First of all, problems related to money make
people
Use synonyms
 feel easily.
Human
Fix the agreement mistake
Humans
show examples
 should buy items in order to survive. But among them,
food
Use synonyms
 is the most significantly considerable factor.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if governments adjust the
cost
Use synonyms
 of
food
Use synonyms
 compulsorily,
people
Use synonyms
 might be confused rapidly, meaning that
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
 public is likely to try not to buy expensive
food
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Mexico, there are a number of
people
Use synonyms
 who are overweight because almost all
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to be cheaper than fresh one. The government have enacted a law to increase in price of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and the percentage of obesity
about
Change preposition
among
show examples
mexican
Change the capitalization
Mexican
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 has gradually decreased.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I am convinced that there are some effective
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of growing up the
cost
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the authorities should improve their educational system for everyone. These countries that have a number of obese individuals do not have a proper quality of education about
healthy
Replace the word
health
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public might not which
food
Use synonyms
 is helpful as
nutrient
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrients
show examples
 and
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 do not make us deteriorate swiftly.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon comes from ignorance, governments should put an emphasis on
enhencing
Correct your spelling
enhancing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education.
Secondly
Linking Words
, they can advertise that
people
Use synonyms
 might be passed away by
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
. Propagandas are likely to be the most important factor, and it is easier to show us it thanks to
develop
Replace the word
the development
show examples
 of technologies.
Finally
Linking Words
, individuals can speculate
that
Correct word choice
apply
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which
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks are harmful and
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
publics
Fix the agreement mistake
public
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 unwilling to consume
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. In conclusion, the alternatives rather than increasing the
cost
Use synonyms
 should not be underestimated.
Submitted by Rndlrdl on

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clarity
To enhance clarity, pay attention to word choice and sentence structure. For instance, "put an emphasis on enhencing the education" can be revised to "prioritize enhancing education."
structure
It is advisable to add a concluding sentence summarizing your key points in the last paragraph to reinforce your argument.
guidance
Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly state the main idea being discussed, which will help guide the reader through your essay.
introduction
The introduction effectively presents the topic and expresses a clear standpoint, opening the discussion smoothly.
supporting details
The example from Mexico appropriately supports the argument and reflects good use of specific examples to substantiate the point made.
conclusion
The conclusion attempts to revisit the main argument while summarizing the explored alternatives, providing a sense of closure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy food
  • obesity
  • nutritional information
  • subsidizing
  • socioeconomic backgrounds
  • psychological factors
  • overeating
  • healthy lifestyles
  • community programs
  • personal responsibility
  • dietary choices
  • physical activity
  • accessible
  • equitable
  • promoting
What to do next:
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