IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.

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In the global beauty market,
skin lightening
Add a hyphen
skin-lightening
show examples
 or whitening
products
Use synonyms
 are massive. Women buy those
products
Use synonyms
 because they believe in the marketing
messages
Fix the agreement mistake
message
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 that
saying
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
Add an article
a white
the white
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white skinned
Add a hyphen
white-skinned
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 woman is more beautiful. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 argue my
disaggrement
Correct your spelling
disagreement
 by
explaning
Correct your spelling
explaining
 two awful effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our health and society. The dangerous side of the
skin-colour changed
Add a hyphen
skin-colour-changed
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products
Use synonyms
 is because of the chemical material in them.
Usually
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Usually,
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 they contain mercury which is toxic, especially in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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long term
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long-term
show examples
 usage. It could trigger many
form
Change to a plural noun
forms
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 of
cancers
Fix the agreement mistake
cancer
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. Mercury is a kind of substance that can stay long in our blood.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a pregnant woman could transfer mercury to her fetus which could create brain damage. The marketing messages about
new
Correct article usage
the new
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 standard of skin colour could
also
Linking Words
 harm
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Can you imagine if all the women want to have white skin ? We will not appreciate the diversity of beauty.
For example
Linking Words
, an African woman will not be perceived as a beautiful person only because she is black. For worse, people tend to become discriminative by grouping black people as the ugly ones.
As
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In
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion, I think skin-whitening
products
Use synonyms
 are
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 example
on
Change preposition
of
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 how
the
Correct article usage
apply
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industries
only
Add a missing verb
are only
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concern
Replace the word
concerned
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 about their profit and
leave
Wrong verb form
leaving
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 humanity behind. There should be some campaigns against these
products
Use synonyms
 so women will not victimized.

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task achievement
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well. Try to elaborate more on your key points, particularly how societal effects apply to different demographics beyond the examples given.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically outlined but could use more supporting details. Consider adding specific examples or studies to reinforce the health risks and societal impacts.
coherence cohesion
While you've identified substantial issues related to health and societal effects, linking these more directly to concrete data or case examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your message remains clear by avoiding abrupt transitions between ideas. Make use of transitional phrases to improve flow and connection between your paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have a distinct and relevant introduction and conclusion, providing a clear framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your essay successfully identifies significant reasons and effects of the skin whitening market on personal health and societal perceptions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Skin lightening
  • Whitening products
  • Cultural standards
  • Beauty ideals
  • Media portrayal
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Colorism
  • Self-esteem
  • Toxic ingredients
  • Hydroquinone
  • Mercury
  • Melanin
  • Dermatological health
  • Consumer awareness
  • Regulatory bodies
  • Ethical marketing
  • Natural remedies
What to do next:
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