IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #homes #areas #study #work #cities #outweigh
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Recently, people have preferred to move to cities for various
job
 opportunities. Everyone wants to build a new life in towns. Especially, sea-side cities which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 NYC, Toronto,
Istanbul
Correct word choice
and Istanbul
show examples
. In my opinion,
move
Wrong verb form
moving
show examples
 to
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
 is the best idea if you looking for a
job
. So,In
this
 essay, I will discuss and explain why I think that.
Firstly
, there are a few business opportunities in
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
.
However
, nobody
go
Change the verb form
goes
show examples
 to
village
Add an article
the village
show examples
. But in
case
Correct determiner usage
this case
show examples
, some people
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
agricultural
Replace the word
agriculture
show examples
 in
village
 places. They can earn a little money from that category of jobs. So, from the
population
Change noun form
population's
show examples
 perspective, they suppose
move
Wrong verb form
moving
show examples
 to
city
Add an article
the city
a city
show examples
 for a
job
 is the best idea.
For example
, In Turkey, we prefer live to in Istanbul for
job
 occasions.
Moreover
, we
are create
Change the verb form
are creating
show examples
 our own special jobs. I have a bookshop in Istanbul and I earn high
payment
Replace the word
pay
show examples
 from my
job
.
Secondly
, we use
train
Fix the agreement mistake
trains
show examples
,
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 and
bus
Fix the agreement mistake
buses
show examples
 in the city. That variety of activities makes us more energetic. It will be more useful and helpful for everyone.
For instance
, When I come back to my home, I have to use
bus
Add an article
the bus
a bus
show examples
. Because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my school is really far from my home. So, there are
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
several benefits of transportation .
Thirdly
, it has
also
 some drawbacks. In
village
Add a comma
village,
show examples
 sides will have no population.
Therefore
, the agrarian places will be useless in the future. It can be harmful to us. In the cities, it will be more crowded on the streets.
Also
, trees will
cut
Add a missing verb
be cut
show examples
 down on the streets. They will build a new house for
village
Correct article usage
the village
show examples
 population.
To sum up
, I reckon we can produce robotics for
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 agrarian place.
Besides
, we can create some innovation. If every
village
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 mechanisms for fertilizer, it will be more beneficial to
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
.
Submitted by ahmetmanafli on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a clearer organization. Try using paragraphs to logically separate different points or aspects of your argument.
task achievement
Ensure each main idea is fully developed with examples or explanation. Some points, like the use of public transport and its benefits, could be clearer and more thoroughly explained.
coherence cohesion
Improve the flow by using linking words and phrases effectively. This will help in achieving a smoother transition between your ideas and arguments.
task achievement
Good job providing specific examples like Istanbul and your personal experience with a bookshop, which helped illustrate your points about job opportunities in cities.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presented the topic and your viewpoint, setting a good foundation for your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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