The availability of entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In
this
day and age, the availablity
of entertainment Correct your spelling
availability
such
as playing eletronice
games on portable Correct your spelling
electronic
devices
may have negative effects on individuals in the society where they reside. From my personal perspective, I agree to a certain extent with given
statement. Add an article
the given
a given
Although
there are some issues to considered
. Both sides will be examined in the following paragraphs.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that there are various beneficial aspects of using Change the form of the verb
consider
devices
for entertrainment
. The primary and most crucial is that Correct your spelling
entertainment
devices
can help people
reduce stress occasionally. In other words
, If people
who want to this
this
know how to control themself, it may leads
to Change the verb form
lead
positivly
Correct your spelling
positively
positive
effects
one's life. Correct your spelling
affects
Comuters
,Correct your spelling
Computers
for instance
, listening music when they have to wait
the train in rush hours Add the preposition
wait for
that
help them keep Correct pronoun usage
apply
clam
. Another favourable reason is that Correct your spelling
calm
nowaday
technology Correct your spelling
nowadays
devices
are
play Unnecessary verb
apply
the
significant role Correct article usage
a
to improve
mental health; Change preposition
in improving
moreover
, it is handy quick
Change preposition
for quick
use
on the ground Fix the infinitive
to use
that
Change preposition
so
people
can you it
whenever they want.
Correct pronoun usage
them
In
the contrary, Change the preposition
On
although
there are some benefits associated with using devices
for entertrainment
, several detrimental aspects should be well-considered. The initial and obvious Correct your spelling
entertainment
on
is that health problems Correct your spelling
one
caused
by blue light from electronic Add a missing verb
are caused
devices
. For
this
reason, the excessive desire to use smart devices
can contribute to undergo
tension, easy Verb problem
apply
burn out
, and anxiety. Decreasing social interaction is the Join the words
burnout
last
negative key factor to be taken into account. In Additional
, Replace the word
Addition
people
adopt an
idea that Correct article usage
the
the
can live without relationships, if they have entertainment things on portable Correct your spelling
they
devices
. This
due
to the fact that it can limit social skills Add a missing verb
is due
such
as communication skills.
In conclusion, even though there are some advantages of using devices
for entertrainment
, I strongly believe that the disadvantages outweigh them. If Correct your spelling
entertainment
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
spenting
a lot of time on portable Correct your spelling
spend
devices
, It is almost certain, in
Correct word choice
that, in
long
term, they will limit Correct article usage
the long
skills
and get health issues.Correct pronoun usage
their skills
Submitted by t.shetthong on
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Language and Grammar
Improve spelling and grammar to enhance clarity and readability. For example, correct 'availablity' to 'availability', and 'eletronice' to 'electronic'. Ensure verb forms are consistent, such as 'this this' should be 'do this'.
Task Achievement
Develop the argument more fully by providing a more balanced discussion. Currently, the essay strongly emphasizes the negative aspects, which may not completely fulfill the 'to what extent' part of the question.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by improving the transitions between points. Consider using linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your argument.
Structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, establishing the main topic and summarizing key points effectively.
Task Achievement
There is a reasonable attempt to examine both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
Supporting Details
Good effort in using examples to support points, such as mentioning stress reduction through listening to music on devices.