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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some think the best way to reduce the time people spend in travelling to work is to replace the parks and gardens close to the city centers with apartment buildings where commuters can live, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #time #people #work #parks #gardens #city #centers #apartment #buildings #commuters
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It is thought by some the best choice to decrease
in
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apply
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spending date in go to the industry is relocation public environments in an urban area with apartment buildings where individuals can live there.
This
 essay will discuss both opposite views. In my opinion, There are some beneficial points to replace the
parks
 and
gardens
 close to the city with apartment buildings.
It is clear that
,
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apply
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 it can be effective
on
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in
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decline
Verb problem
reducing
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 the traffic jams in rush hours and
also
 can cause air pollution in busy cities.
For instance
, individuals can use reliable public transportation to move their work to
a different parts
Correct the article-noun agreement
different parts
a different part
show examples
 of the day exactly during rush hours.
Furthermore
, one of the crucial impacts of
this
 issue is saving time
to
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for
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 persons to have extra work or a job
for example
 cost of living in a crowded urban area can be high to live there but when people have more time
and
Correct word choice
apply
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the extra job can be effective on their lives and incomes so if houses and homes are close to the workplaces could have the huge number of a significant role in the person life.
On the other hand
, public environments
such
 as
parks
 and
gardens
 are two of the foremost places for children and their careers. I believe that, spending more
moment
Fix the agreement mistake
moments
show examples
 in
parks
 and
gardens
 to play casual games and dropping the
hour
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hours
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 that children usage of technology and consul gaming can be effective
on
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in
show examples
 their futures.
In addition
, old females and males prefer to spend a significant amount of their life walking in
gardens
 and
parks
 and it makes them feel good as
Correct article usage
a
show examples
free generation what is more the government should make a decision to expend more money and expand the public areas because there are some pros to develop the greenspace and
parks
 and it can be made a healthier and fresher air and it able to demolish the air pollution.
To sum up
, in both views there are lots of advantages and disadvantages but
i
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I
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 totally agree with replacing the apartment to close the people's
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
show examples
.
Submitted by amir.bakhshi1010 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea. The points made about replacing parks with apartments and about the benefits of parks can be more distinctly separated for clarity.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, cite specific cities where similar strategies have led to positive or negative outcomes.
Coherence and Cohesion
Aim for more precise language use, ensuring that each sentence contributes effectively to your overall argument. Some ideas could be clearer with slightly refined language.
Task Achievement
Ensure each viewpoint is sufficiently explored before presenting your opinion. More balance between the discussion of each view could improve your response.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly identifies both views and provides an opinion, which is a fundamental requirement of the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the discussion effectively, which reinforces the essay's main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are coherent links between some of the main ideas in the essay, demonstrating an understanding of structure.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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