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Writing Samples
Band 5

Due to the development and rapid expansion os supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#development #expansion #os #supermarkets #countries #business #people #closure #death #communities
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People
 believe that because of
advanced
Correct article usage
the advanced
show examples
 development of markets, many small branches can not compete with that,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 local
communities
 may die out.I agree with
this
 opinion. In the past one of the main ways for communicating
people
 with each other was through small businesses, these small branches may keep the culture of that area inside.
People
 who live in the same neighbourhood could see each other daily for grocery shopping or other markets and talk with each other and manage a time for spending their shops but
after
this
 change, they do not have that opportunity to communicate with each other so
as a result
this
Change the determiner
this community
these communities
show examples
communities
 will disappear after a short time. One other reason for
that is
 these days with the expansion of supermarkets they
also
 include some benefits of online shopping so
people
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 shop more straightforwardly with online applications in their homes. It has so many significant impacts on individual's lives but
as a result
 one of the bad drawbacks is they lost that culture and the main reason for holding a small branch is to maintain the traditions and character of that community but
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be forgotten.
However
, some others think local
communities
 are so much stronger than to be affected by these changes and
people
 can manage other
communities
 and find a
way
 to maintain it in a balanced
way
. In conclusion, I believe that these days
people
 mostly rely on the
way
 that they can do their work more comfortably with big supermarkets and online shopping but in another
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 some
people
 believe they can maintain that culture as well.
Submitted by helia on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific local businesses or community activities that were impacted by the expansion of supermarkets.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly focuses on a single idea and that these ideas are logically connected. Transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion effectively.
task achievement
You have provided a thoughtful reflection on both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced understanding of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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