IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992

The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992
#two #show #employment #patterns #britain
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The Pie charts compare employees and
self- employed
Correct your spelling
self-employed
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by
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apply
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men and
women
Use synonyms
 and different careers in Great Britain
1992
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in 1992
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.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 manual
female
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females
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 have
higher
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a higher
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 percentage in terms of employment
patten
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pattern
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, compared with
women
Use synonyms
 working
on
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in
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 non-manual ,
while
Linking Words
 ,in 1992,
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a man
the man
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man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 worked
as
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in
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 both working
sector
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sectors
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 accounted for half of each other. In detail, In 1992, self-employed females accounted for the higher proportion of 69%
on
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of
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 the whole occupation, including being clerical or related, being managerial and professional opportunities and other non-manual ,with 31% the highest, 29%,
9
Correct word choice
and 9
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% respectively.
Women
Use synonyms
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 as employees take
the
Correct article usage
apply
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second place, with the figure for
women
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is
Wrong verb form
being
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 31%. Specifically , expect becoming to craft or similar .or general
laborers
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labourers
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 have an
obvious
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obviously
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 smaller percentage of working on manual with 4%only. Other manual workers had higher figures on it.
Moreover
Linking Words
, There were
not
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no
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 significant
different
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differences
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Change preposition
in proportion
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proportion
Fix the agreement mistake
proportions
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between
to be
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being
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a
Change the article
an
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 employee or
self- employed
Correct your spelling
self-employed
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, with 50% on both two
side
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sides
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
about
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for
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 No-manual workers,
managerial
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the managerial
a managerial
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 and professional
worker
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workers
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 took the leading position with 36%, compared with manual jobs
on
Change preposition
apply
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clerical or related ,
while
Linking Words
same
Add an article
the same
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 proportion of 6%.
Submitted by chunyanh502 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compare" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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