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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is the government’s responsibility to provide care and finance to support people after they retire. Others, however, think that individuals themselves should save money in their own when they are old. Discuss both views and give your opinion. > DISCUSS AND OPINION

#people #government’s #responsibility #care #finance #support #individuals #money
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Few
people
 think
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should provide
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
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 and other amenities to retired individuals
while
 others disagree and believe that senior citizens should save
moeny
Correct your spelling
money
 for their future.
This
 essay will discuss both these views in detail and will explain why I think that the
government
 should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility after retirement. To commence with, taking care of old individuals should be the utmost priority of
government
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the government
show examples
.
People
 serve all their
life
, so, after their
retirements
Add a comma
retirements,
show examples
 they will enjoy their
life
 and will spend doing whatever they want. The
government
 should provide pension and healthcare programmes to senior citizens, so, they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 lead a decent
life
. If a nurse worked double shifts most of her
life
 to support her expenditures, what
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be the benefit of her working and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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miss all the family time if she could not get advantages after giving up her job
.
Change the punctuation
?
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Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 many folks develop ailments
such
 as dementia and various physical conditions,
funds
Correct word choice
and funds
show examples
by
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from
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
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 will aid them in
healthcare
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the healthcare
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 sector as well.
This
 will support the
relation
Replace the word
relationship
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 between
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 and the
government
. Better policies should
me
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 made to support
this
 cause. Shifting towards the other view, various
people
 oppose
this
prespective beacuse
Correct your spelling
perspective because
 a load of jobs pay
hefty
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a hefty
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of salaries to their workers. After their service end, they receive a good sum of pension, which
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
additional
Correct article usage
an additional
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 burden on
Correct article usage
the governmets
show examples
governmets
Correct your spelling
governments
government
. With these high salaries, they could
setup
Correct your spelling
set up
show examples
 a small
buissness
Correct your spelling
business
, which would aid in their
retired
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
 years.
Furthermore
, these policies could be destructing for developing nations. Economic growth can be affected
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 them. In conclusion, retirement facilities are beneficial for citizens. In my opinion, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all the economic stress, it is the duty of higher
authories
Correct your spelling
authorities
authorises
 to provide care and finance to these deserving folks.
Submitted by georgeanum650 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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