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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that higher institutions should concentrate more on academic subjects such as history and the physical sciences, while others think that they should concentrate more on practical subjects such as car mechanics and cookery, and so on. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Opinions differ regarding whether or not
acadmic
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academic
majors
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 should be taught more than practical
majors
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 in high
school
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.
While
Linking Words
 critics insist that practical
major
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majors
show examples
 are taught more, I personally disagree with
this
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 assertion since
students
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 may earn more money through academic education. On the one hand, there
are
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is
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major
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a major
the major
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reason
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reasons
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 why practical
majors
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focuselly
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focused
 should
be handle
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be handled
show examples
 in high
school
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 because it gives
Use synonyms
Add an article
the student
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student
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students
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 two big profits.
Firstly
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, by learning practical
majors
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, it is easy to get a job for
students
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 after graduation. To explain, practice is more important than theory in the fields
such
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 as car mechanics, cookery and
taile
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table
tail
. If
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student
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students
show examples
 learn these
majors
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
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, employers can reduce
resources
Correct article usage
the resources
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 that should
spend
Wrong verb form
be spent
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 on training their employees.
Moverover
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Moreover
, they prefer employees who have these skills. On top of that, it is likely that
student
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 saves huge money in
Correct article usage
the long-term
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long-term
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long term
show examples
,
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apply
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 if
student
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learn
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learns
show examples
 these
majors
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.
For example
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,
students
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 would repair their cars themselves rather
mechanic
Correct word choice
than mechanic
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 when their cars could not operate well, which
student
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 might save a large number of money.
On the other hand
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, there are two reasons why the
school
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 has to spend more time on academic
majors
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.
To begin
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 with, college entrance exams include academic
majors
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. if
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student
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students
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 enter prestigious
university
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universities
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, it is more likely that they get a job
that is
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 stable and high profit .
For example
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, in Seoul Korea, college entrance
exam
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exams
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 include Korean, English, history and science,
which
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so
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it is more beneficial to focus on these
majors
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 to enter prestigious universities than spending practical
majors
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.
Furthermore
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, science has a positive effect on developing society, which
is connect
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is connected
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 directly nation's wealth,
Use synonyms
Correct word choice
so school
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school
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schools
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 should concentrate on these subjects. To summarise, it
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
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 far more wealth than agriculture or
manufacture
Wrong verb form
manufacturing
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,
students
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 have to spend more time on scientific subjects for
this
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, and we need to produce more
reseachers
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researchers
. In conclusion, schools should concentrate more on theoretical
majors
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 than practical
majors
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. even if the former might help them get a job, it is more desirable to give importance to the latter for
nation
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the nation
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 and
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student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 long-term.

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general
Make sure to eliminate minor spelling errors, such as "acadmic" instead of "academic" and "focuselly" instead of "focused." Proofreading will enhance your presentation.
task response
Try to balance the distribution of ideas. Your essay should equally discuss both perspectives before delivering your opinion in detail.
task response
Develop your specific examples further. For instance, provide detailed scenarios or statistics to support why academic or practical majors are beneficial.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. For example, use "In addition," or "Moreover," to connect points smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion with your opinion.
task achievement
You've identified key reasons for both perspectives about educational focus in higher institutions.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively reiterates your stance, which helps emphasize your overall argument.
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