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Band 5

Some people think that it would be better if whole family(Ex.Uncle,aunt and grand parents) involving in bringing up children rather than only parents. Give your opinion ?

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Many people argue that
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children
Change noun form
children's
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 upbringing should be contributed by the
members
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 of an extended family
such
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 as
Uncle
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uncles
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, ant and grandparents. I completely agree with
this
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 opinion for several reasons.
To begin
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 with, the idea of co-contributed activities of relatives to child development is beneficial
due to
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 diversity upbringing methods
what
Correct word choice
that
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 can help
children
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 in
social emotional
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social-emotional
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 development.
This
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 can be explained by the fact that relatives could have various experiences so that they can give various reactions to
kids
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while
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 keeping in touch with them.
For instance
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, a
fireman
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fireman's
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 uncle could make a young boy feel excited with his skill and experience in his job which is a common attractive work to many
kids
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. As
such
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, it's more important to let
children
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 enjoy themselves with an extended family member.
In addition
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, the option to let the whole family to involved in bringing up
children
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 is attractive because it can enhance the relationship of all family
members
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 including the
kids
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.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 gathering together
while
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 playing with
children
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.
This
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 can be seen in the case of a barbecue event when all
members
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 can play with
children
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while
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 they can keep in touch with the others.
As a result
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, uncles, aunts and grandparents playing with their young ancestors can help
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apply
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themselves
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apply
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strengthen relationships. In conclusion, for the reasons
i
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I
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 have mentioned above, I maintain that all family
members
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 should contribute to
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children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 upbringing process. It is advisable that
children
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's relatives take the appropriate initiatives to facilitate an environment most suitable for any activity of
kids
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.

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow within and between the paragraphs. Sometimes, the connections could be made smoother and the transitions more explicit.
supported main points
Ensure that all ideas are fully developed with adequate supporting detail to make your argument stronger.
introduction conclusion present
Good introduction and conclusion, clearly stating and summarizing your opinion.
task achievement
Your essay covers the task well by addressing the question and providing a clear opinion on why involving the extended family in upbringing is beneficial.
relevant specific examples
You effectively used examples like the fireman uncle to illustrate your ideas, making them relatable.
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