Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time raising their family, and therefore the government should support them financially. Do you agree or disagree?
It is believed by some that mothers must engage majorly in raising their children, and
hence
it is the responsibility of the governing authorities to provide them with the
financial Correct article usage
apply
support
. I strongly oppose this
view, firstly
because the government
has more crucial things to cater to like the defense
and medical systems of the nation. Change the spelling
defence
Secondly
, empowering the mothers to become independent will benefit in
the long run.
To commence with, governmental bodies are established Correct pronoun usage
them in
for making
and executing Change preposition
to make
Add an article
a plan
the plan
plan
for developing the nation as a whole by strengthening its medical, Fix the agreement mistake
plans
defense
, employment and educational sectors. Change the spelling
defence
Moreover
, for these tasks, the governmental bodies have a stipulated annual budget. Helping the women
by supporting then
financially will lead depletion of monetary reserves, resulting in the low quality of health services Correct your spelling
them
as well as
a compromised defense
mechanism of the nation. Change the spelling
defence
For example
, a new scheme by government
of Maharashtra provides monthly financial help to all Correct article usage
the government
women
, which ultimately reduces the funds available for other important development plan
of the state.
Change the wording
another important development plan
other important development plans
Furthermore
, it of
prime importance to make all Add a missing verb
is of
women
rasing
their families independent in terms of earning money. Correct your spelling
raising
Additionally
, providing money as a support
tends to weaken these individuals rendering them to become
dependent. To add on, Verb problem
apply
this
might also
lead some of them to become lazy and complacent about their stagnant lives. Therefore
, it is the prime responsibility of the government
to empower these women
by imparting education, thus
enabling them to stand on their own feet. For example
, the Educational Ministry of India provides free education to all women
which helps them to build their own career
and not be dependent on others for money.
In summary, Fix the agreement mistake
careers
although
some people are of the perspective that women
must stay back at home and hence
the government
must extend them financial support
, I strongly disagree with this
viewpoint due to
multiple reasons. Primarily, Change preposition
for
government
bodies should spend their financial budget on optimising the defense
and healthcare systems, and Change the spelling
defence
secondly
, they must support
women
by empowering them to be independent.Submitted by vaishnavivardekar2209 on
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task achievement
Ensure that all main points are equally developed. For example, while discussing the role of government priorities, you might add specific examples or statistics to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While coherence is generally maintained, using a wider range of cohesive devices could improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader through your arguments effectively.
task achievement
You have presented a strong opinion and backed it up with specific examples, making the argument both relevant and comprehensive.