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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, people have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Why do think this is? How could this problem be solved?

#people #lifestyle
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In today's modern world, many
people
Use synonyms
 lead an unhealthy
lifestyle
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.
While
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 there are many reasons which cause it,
this
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 essay will examine some possible solutions. Many
people
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 live
in
Change preposition
apply
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a hectic scheduled
life
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 and
this
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 is the chief reason why they are unhealthy.
People
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 do not have enough time to spend themselves, owing to long hours of work.
This
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, in turn, reduces sleep time
along with
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relax
Replace the word
relaxation
show examples
.
This
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 not only triggers
poor
Correct article usage
a poor
show examples
lifestyle
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, but it
also
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 reduces the quality of productivity.
For instance
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, if one goes to work in the morning and returns
to
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apply
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home at night,
as well as
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 working extra after work, they cannot find any free time to themselves and become sick or lose their
health
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.
Furthermore
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, addition to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology generates the problem of poor habits in
life
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. Since they spend long hours on the screen and as the former condition, they
also
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 can't provide themselves with enough sleep or exercise.
Therefore
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,
this
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lifestyle
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 is formed.
Nevertheless
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, the issue of adapting to an unhealthy
life
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 is not insurmountable. There are a number of potential solutions to address it. One of which is increasing the awareness of
people
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 about their
health
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. If individualists become more aware of their
health
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 and
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
show examples
 of
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, they might begin to live
in
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apply
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well-organized lifestyles, since they might start worrying about themselves,
so
Correct word choice
and
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 trying to fix their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Moreover
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,
instead
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 of advertising fast food, the government should take steps to make popular
the
Correct article usage
apply
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famous or
encouraged
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
active
Correct article usage
an active
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lifestyle
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, as
people
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 more often than not try to do new or popular works which they are watching in their lives. In
this
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 way, concerns about
health
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 are
also
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 raised. In conclusion, poor
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
lifestyle
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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adapted
Correct your spelling
adopted
show examples
 by many
people
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not without reasons
along with
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 potential measures,
such
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 as increasing the awareness of
people
Use synonyms
 and making
attractive
Correct pronoun usage
them attractive
show examples
 more sport activities to motivate
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical flow, linking each point to the next with appropriate transitional phrases. This will enhance the readability and logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples that directly illustrate your points. This will help to strengthen your argument and demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Avoid generalizations and provide clarity with precise language. This will improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction successfully sets up the essay's main focus and intends to address both parts of the question.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and suggests a potential way forward.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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