IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these view and give your own opinion.

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A group of individuals think that kids should make their own decisions
in
Change preposition
on
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 regular issues like food, clothes and entertainment
as a result
Linking Words
, they will become
a
Correct article usage
apply
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self-dependent
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 in their society.
While
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,
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apply
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 other
group
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groups
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 of people believe that
parents
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 should decide what
suitable
Add a missing verb
is suitable
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 for their
children
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. Some people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should obey their
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parent's
parents'
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 wishes, because
parents
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 are more intelligent and more
experience
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experienced
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 than
children
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 and many kids can'
t
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 make decisions by themselves.
children
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 who aren'
t
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matured
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mature
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 or experienced enough to make
decision
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decisions
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 by their own intelligence for that particular reason,
parents
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 always decide what to do or not.
For example
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, nowadays, many
children
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 affected by smartphones, play virtual games and stay inside of the home and don'
t
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 go outside of the house for actual physical play.
As a result
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, those
children
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 are facing both physical and mental illness for that reason,
parents
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 guided those
children
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 to avoid excessive screen time.
On the other hand
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, permitting them to make their own choices, in my opinion, can have many advantages
such
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 as being more creative.
This
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 could lead them to faster mental development
,
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apply
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 because they face a problem and solve that by themselves. By doing
this
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 kind of activity they could be much more intelligent than other
children
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due to
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 experiences they are gaining over time.
For instance
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, a school named "Progressive Model School", where students who make decisions by their own thinking
outperforming
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outperform
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 in
study
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the study
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 than those who don'
t
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 actually decide anything by themselves. In conclusion, people who believe that it is a smart choice to
decide
Verb problem
give
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 their
children
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 whatever they want, because that will lead them to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
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wise
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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.
However
Linking Words
, individuals who are afraid of their
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
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 mental growth and ability to their
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
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 knowledge
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are more likely to control their
children
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the outcome could be dangerous if they
don'
Verb problem
aren't
show examples
t
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lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 by their
parents
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence that directly relates to your points to support your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitions between paragraphs to create a more seamless flow in your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction that outlines both perspectives and presents a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the discussion and presents a final opinion.
task achievement
You offer some justification for both perspectives, showing a decent understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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