IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree?

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There is an opinion that
people
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's
use
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 of
smartphones
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 should be banned in public spaces. I personally completely disagree with
this
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 assertion because when
people
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use
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 their
smartphones
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 in silent
mode
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, it has a positive effect on
people
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.
To begin
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 with, there are major
reasons
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 why these days, many
people
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use
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 their
smartphones
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 in public spaces.
Firstly
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, they
use
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 their
smartphones
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while
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 waiting or taking the subway because it has silent
mode
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. To explain, when they
use
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 silent
mode
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,
smartphones
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 make nothing sound, which is basic etiquette in public
places
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 to not disturb others. for these
reasons
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, they comfortably
use
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 their
smartphones
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 in public
places
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, which they feel quickly pass
time
Correct article usage
the time
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.
Furthermore
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, using
smartphones
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 in public
places
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 does not disturb others. On top of that, there are
reasons
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 why using
smartphones
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 in public spaces should not be banned for individuals' safety.
Firstly
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, it is likely that individuals quickly can not settle when crimes happen if using
smartphones
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 in public
places
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 is banned. To summarise, public
places
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 mostly
is
Change the verb form
are
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 terrorism' or serious crime' targets because many
people
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 are there.
Therefore
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, a large number of crimes occur in public
places
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such
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 as subway stations and shopping centres, if using
smartphones
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 is banned,
people
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 would not call the police, which leads to serious damage. For these
reasons
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, criminal rates in public
places
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 will increase.
As a result
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, insecurity about
citizens
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citizens'
citizen's
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safeties
Fix the agreement mistake
safety
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 would grow. In conclusion, using
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 have a more positive influence on
people
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 than a negative one.
Furthermore
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, it is helpful to
use
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smartphones
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 on silent
mode
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 방해되지 않는 선에서.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to maintain a clear structure by using linking words such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Therefore' throughout your essay. This will enhance the reader's understanding and flow of ideas.
task achievement
Expand and provide more specific examples and detailed explanation to ensure your main points are solidly supported.
task achievement
Avoid using ambiguous language or underdeveloped points. Focus on providing clear, comprehensive ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the writer's opinion and sets up the structure of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and reinforces the writer's viewpoint.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance and attempts to address the task with relevant ideas for supporting the position.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Etiquette
  • Tranquility
  • Prohibit
  • Intrusive
  • Courtesy
  • Essential communication
  • Public decorum
  • Designated areas
  • Safety concerns
  • Noise pollution
  • Digital etiquette
  • Enforcement measures
  • Civic responsibility
  • Silent mode
  • Connectivity
  • Invasiveness
  • Social norms
  • Policy implementation
  • Moderation
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