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Writing Samples
Band 6

More and more adults are playing computer games. waht is this happening

#adults #computer #games #waht
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Technology has been increasingly advancing as it can
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
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 people's desires,
such
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 as playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
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.
This
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 advancement will significantly change those individuals since they will continuously look for satisfaction, which yields negative developments, including an addiction that results in a detrimental life. Adults who often play
computer
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games
Use synonyms
 want to obtain full enjoyment by involving themselves in engaging activities.
This
Linking Words
 provides a place where they can experience virtual reality as it shows exciting things that increase their pleasure, which can reduce their stressful lives caused by
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 in their families
of
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or
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 workplaces.
For instance
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, an adult who frequently plays a racing game will eventually become engrossed in it because of the unique feelings and joy that he acquires.
Hence
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, the more frequently he plays, the more delighted he will be.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 activity can trigger a severe addiction when it becomes highly uncontrollable, which leads to
a
Correct article usage
apply
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detachment and ignorance of society. Those individuals tend to be secluded and solitary, even from their families because they are being constrained by constant happiness from playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 so that they would be oblivious to other precious things. To exemplify, a person who can not be separated from his
computer
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due to
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 an obsession will
lose
Rephrase
gradually lose
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 his
real-life
Correct word choice
real
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 gradually, unable to realize the real world.
Thus
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, if they become more obsessive about
games
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, they will have adverse effects on their lives.
To conclude
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, becoming extremely attracted to
computer
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games
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 will only bring negative implications for people as they will persistently seek satisfaction and expose them to an unavoidable impact,
such
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 as a severe obsession.
Submitted by hanalyaa29 on

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task achievement
Ensure the examples provided are more directly tied to the points being made. Specific examples that strongly support each point will enhance clarity and effectiveness of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Consider providing a stronger conclusion that summarizes the main points more comprehensively. This will help in reaffirming your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a distinct focus, contributing to a well-organized piece of writing.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic by discussing the reasons behind the increase in adults playing computer games and the potential negative effects.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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