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Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic: In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food, clothing or medicine. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#topic #world #animals #food #medicine
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In
this
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 recent era, it is no longer essential to
use
Use synonyms
animals
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different purposes
such
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 as
food
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, clothing, and medicine. I strongly agree with the given statement, as with the advancement of
technology
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,
this
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 type of need is declining.
This
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 essay will discuss the
use
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 of
technology
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 in all three sectors with relevant examples. To commence with, in old periods,
animals
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 were frequently used in
Use synonyms
food
Add an article
the food
show examples
 industry for various purposes.
Firstly
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, hens were used for
production
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the production
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 of eggs, but now with the help of synthetic chemicals and specific
machinery
Add a comma
machinery,
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 it is easy to make the eggs without
this
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 animal.
Moreover
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,
fur
Add an article
the fur
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 of many
animals
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used
Add a missing verb
was used
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 to make the particular clothing, as
this
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 was the only way to make warmer clothes.
However
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, nowadays with synthetic
fibres
Add a comma
fibres,
show examples
 it is easy to make more
warmers
Replace the word
warm
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 clothes without harming the wildlife.
For example
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,
tiger
Add an article
the tiger
a tiger
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 was used for
particular
Correct article usage
a particular
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 kind of skin material to make expensive feather coats, but there is no need now to harm
this
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species
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.
Thus
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,
technology
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 makes everything more convenient by offering
variety
Add an article
a variety
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 of options with the
use
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 of advanced
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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,
synthetic
Correct word choice
and synthetic
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 products and without harming any
species
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 for
food
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 and clothing.
Furthermore
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, in
this
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fast paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
show examples
 world,
medicine
Replace the word
the medical
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 sector is
also
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 growing rapidly and in
this
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 sector
Rephrase
apply
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also
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, there is no need to
use
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 any kind of
species
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 for
development
Add an article
the development
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 of new medical entities. In old decades, clinical trials were done with the help of mice,
rabbit
Fix the agreement mistake
rabbits
show examples
 and other specified structures which were resemble
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
human beings, but now these trials are completed with the help of different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of scanning through medical apps.
For instance
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, when a new drug
came
Wrong verb form
comes
show examples
 to the market, it goes through many procedures of animal testing for adverse events,
biovailability
Correct your spelling
bioavailability
,
bioequivalence
Correct word choice
and bioequivalence
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 studies, but in
this
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 recent era,
this
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 can be done by scanning through computer devices. So, new entities can be launched without animal testing and
this
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 will save many endangered
species
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. In conclusion, in
this
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fast paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
show examples
 world,
this
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 is not mandatory to
use
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animals
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 for various sectors
such
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 as
food
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, clothing, and medicine, and
this
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 all thanks goes to
technology
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. I completely agree with the given notion, as
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
technology
Use synonyms
 decline the
use
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 of
animals
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 in various fields.
Thus
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,
this
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 is completely a positive trend.
Submitted by priyankapanwar251287 on

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on how technology specifically replaces animal use in each sector rather than focusing solely on the negative aspects of animal use. Additionally, mention any potential downsides of not using animals to create a more balanced discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and between ideas within them, as this will enhance the logical flow and make the essay more seamless to read.
coherence and cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and a well-articulated conclusion, delineating the main stance the writer takes on the topic.
task achievement
The essay discusses multiple sectors where animal use has been replaced by technology, such as food, clothing, and medicine, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
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