IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. How much do you think society is affected by violence in the media? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #levels #violence #television #films #society #unemployment #media
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Most
people
Use synonyms
 think that violence in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society is a result of
rising
Replace the word
the rise
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 violence on
televisions
Fix the agreement mistake
television
show examples
 and in film.
However
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 believe it is because of fundamental social issues
such
Linking Words
 as unemployment. Media nowadays has a big influence in the society. Social media
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance, made a big impact on very followers. Television and films influence audiences either
god
Correct your spelling
good
show examples
 or bad. They tend to
immitate
Correct your spelling
imitate
 what they see on the screen. Violence
sometimes seen
Add the auxiliary verb
is sometimes seen
show examples
 and children sometimes follow what they see.
For example
Linking Words
,
a
Rephrase
when a
show examples
child watching
cartoon
Correct article usage
a cartoon
show examples
 on the
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
, parents notice some behavior which they do not usually do. Many research shows that watching cartoons influence a child. In the Philippines, every
shows
Change to a singular noun
show
show examples
 starts by informing the viewers that some
scene
Fix the agreement mistake
scenes
show examples
 may be violent
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 parental guidance. There are
also
Linking Words
 films that
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not
allows
Change the verb form
allow
show examples
 young viewers if it has a lot of violent scenes.
However
Linking Words
, many
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 because
unemployment
Change preposition
of unemployment
show examples
 which is relevant.
People
Use synonyms
 who are unemployed do
unneccesary
Correct your spelling
unnecessary
 actions just to support their needs. Theft, drugs,
murder
Correct word choice
and murder
show examples
 are some cases
people
Use synonyms
 use
to do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
because they are unemployed.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to rob because of the need to survive. Others
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
involves
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
 in crime for the sake of money. They risk their lives just to support their needs. In conclusion, both
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
 have similar
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Submitted by yum_1229 on

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task achievement
Work on providing a clear and comprehensive argument with better organization of ideas in terms of how media and unemployment are linked to societal violence.
task achievement
Ensure that examples are clearly connected to the main arguments to help them strengthen your points further.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transition and logical sequence within paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point to give a fuller explanation of your reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundant phrases and ensure clarity in sentence structures.
introduction conclusion present
Good topic introduction with a clear distinction between the two main causes of violence.
task achievement
Attempts to offer balanced views on two distinct reasons for societal violence, acknowledging both media influence and unemployment.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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