IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more women go out to work. It is the government's responsibility to subsidise them and provide free staffs and facilities to care for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea?

#women #work #government #responsibility #subsidise #staffs #facilities #care #children #idea
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Nowadays , many
woman
Change to a plural noun
women
show examples
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 started to work
Linking Words
conversely
Rephrase
more comfortably
show examples
 than it was in the past when the only job they had was sitting in homes and
took
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 . It is commonly believed that the government must assist and provide essential staff
moreover
Linking Words
 taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 . In my way of thinking
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
due to
Linking Words
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 economy and keeping
children
Use synonyms
 safe .
Firstly
Linking Words
 , women
is playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a huge role
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the community and providing help to them by taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 is very crucial .
For instance
Linking Words
 , by taking responsibility
out of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
her she will be much
comfortable
Correct quantifier usage
more comfortable
show examples
 and able to work much better
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 must raise the
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 system in the city the
primery
Correct your spelling
primary
 reason for
that is
Linking Words
 having more free time to
achive
Correct your spelling
achieve
 more tasks at work .
Secondly
Linking Words
 , taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 is important to make sure they are developing well and keep them in safe
hand
Fix the agreement mistake
hands
show examples
. To illustrate by the absence of their mother they may be lost and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not know how to act well so providing safety to them will prevent them from learning bad habits or going in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wrong way and teach them good skills
such
Linking Words
 as communication skills in fact we will be sure of making new generation of good people . In conclusion , in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 extent because it will make a noticeable
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 growth in the state
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
 it will keep
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
children
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
safe .
Submitted by hooralahmadx4 on

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coherence cohesion
Clarify your ideas to ensure your argument is logically structured and easy to follow. Consider using paragraphing effectively to separate different points.
task achievement
Make sure your main points are clearly supported with relevant examples and explanations. This will help strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a complete response to the task, touching on the relevant aspects of government support for working women.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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