IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, an crease in crime has been blamed on violent images on TV and computer video games. agree or disagree?

#countries #crease #crime #images #tv #computer #video #games
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Nowadays, the world has
became
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become
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 a very connected place thanks to technology. Unfortunately
devoloping
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developing
 technology has brought crime and social degradation. My personal opinion is that parents should
under
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apply
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control their
children
Use synonyms
's social media accounts and smartphones. Thousands of families are struggling with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social
medias
Change to a genitive case
media's
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 damaging side.
Children
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 can be easily deceived and influenced
on
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by
show examples
 these platforms. Even under eighteen years old teenagers shouldn't have any social media
account
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accounts
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.
Linking Words
Also
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Also,
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 dark web which is
unclueds
Correct your spelling
includes
 some crime on the internet. Someone who is using
dark
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the dark
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 web could access weapon robbery, narcotic and child abuse pictures etc.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
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hand,
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 there are some digital movie platforms that have lots of fight movies or series.
Thus
Linking Words
, violence is normalized, and
as a result
Linking Words
,
children
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 can commit violence against each other or their siblings. Naturally,
children
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 can be
influence
Wrong verb form
influenced
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 badly. From my point of view, movie directors and digital creators should produce useful films and
advertisement
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advertisements
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.
For
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example
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example,
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 smoking and using drugs have harmful effects
ont
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on
 the human body. It seems to me that digital platforms should be controlled by the governments and the authorities. Governments should block access to movies violent images and video games that are harmful to
children
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. There are two sides of the coin. If they encourage their
children
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 to do good by using technology, crime rates will
be decrease
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decrease
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 all over the world. To summarise, I
deffinitely
Correct your spelling
definitely
 agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea.
Submitted by OscarM on

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organisation
Make sure to clearly distinguish between your main arguments in separate paragraphs. Each should address a specific point supporting your stance (agree or disagree).
language
Work on developing a more sophisticated and varied sentence structure to enhance clarity, especially when presenting complex ideas.
task achievement
When presenting examples, try to use specific and concrete examples to more effectively illustrate your points and enhance your argument.
organisation
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a solid structure for the response.
task achievement
Attempted to address the prompt directly with several points related to the issue of digital media's influence on crime rates.
task achievement
Recognized the role of both parents and government in managing access to potentially harmful media, showing an awareness of multiple factors impacting the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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