IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Mobile phones and the Internet could have many benefits for old people. However, this age group uses technology the least. What are the benefits for old people using mobile phones and the Internet? How can we encourage them to use this technology?

#phones #internet #people #age #group #technology
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In modern discourse, the issue of mobile
phones
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 and
internet
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 usage by elder citizens has attracted widespread interest, particularly highlighting the phenomenon of their seldom
use
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 of
this
Linking Words
 modern technology.
This
Linking Words
 essay examines the underlying benefits and presents practical solutions.   The primary
benefits
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benefit
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 of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is that it can alleviate isolation and loneliness for old
people
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, as shown by extensive research underscoring many senior citizens feel isolated as they stay alone without children and friends. Through
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internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 and
phones
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, they can share feelings and
communite
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communicate
community
 with their friends and children at
anytime
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any time
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 and
in
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apply
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anywhere.
For instance
Linking Words
, a comprehensive study by top researchers in the USA reveals that one of the majority target user
group
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groups
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 of
Tiktok
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TikTok
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 is elder age, by which they watch interesting short videos and communicate with their friends and
familes
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families
family
 online, illustrating the significant influence of
this
Linking Words
 factor.   In terms of solutions, one essential approach would be teaching elder
person
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people
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 to
use
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phones
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 and
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Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
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Internet
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 by local communities and their families, as supported by logical deductions that many old
people
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are not be
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are not
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 able to quickly learn fast-updated modern technology and
then
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 fail to
use
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 it. Recent reports from reputable sources validate that the study speed of old
people
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are
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is
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 ten times slower than young
teenager
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teenagers
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.
Moreover
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, implementing financial support on
internet
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fee
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fees
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 and phone
cost
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costs
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 for them is crucial, founded on the idea that the income of elder
people
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 reduces much after retirement.   In conclusion, a thorough examination of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon reveals its main benefit is that it can relieve the loneliness of elder
person
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people
show examples
, and it can be effectively addressed through teaching them how to
use
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phones
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 and
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Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
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Internet
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,
as well as
Linking Words
 financial support on the
relevent
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relevant
 costs.
Submitted by justvivianliu on

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task response
Elaborate on the benefits of technology for older adults with more specific examples and evidence. Discuss aspects beyond communication, such as health monitoring or online education.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. The essay benefits from a more consistent flow of ideas.
task response
Deepen the explanation of how recommended solutions can effectively address the current gaps. Discuss potential barriers to implementation.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the discussion well.
task response
You've identified a key benefit of technology usage among the elderly, such as reducing loneliness through communication.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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