The chart below shows the percentage of people of different age groups who went to cinema once a month or more in one European country from 2000 to 2011
The chart below same
illustrate
the Change the verb form
illustrates
rate
of who came to Use synonyms
cinema
and their age. Correct article usage
the cinema
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
this
chart shows how many people came to Linking Words
cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
center
per Change the spelling
centre
a
Correct article usage
apply
mounth
in Correct your spelling
month
european
geography between 2000-2011.
Change the capitalization
European
Overall
, 15-24 Linking Words
ages
are upper than other Use synonyms
ages
of Use synonyms
group
people in 2000. İn contrast, Use synonyms
this
system Linking Words
change
in 2005. İn the end, all lines are higher than Wrong verb form
changed
other
years. İn Change preposition
in other
genarally
, Correct your spelling
generally
15
-24 Correct article usage
the 15
Use synonyms
ages
Change the noun form
age
group
's Use synonyms
rate
is always Use synonyms
more
than other Correct word choice
higher
Use synonyms
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age groups
group
.
Use synonyms
Firstly
, the lines have a systematic turn each. The highest one is 15-24 Linking Words
ages
and their Use synonyms
percentages
is around 10%-20% but it is close to Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
middle
so it is % 15. Add an article
the middle
Lowest
one is Add an article
The lowest
35
and over Correct article usage
the 35
Use synonyms
group
. they are not only Add an article
the group
lowest
in 2000 but Correct article usage
the lowest
also
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
rate
is Use synonyms
lowest
Change the article
the lowest
rate
on the graph. İn addition, we can notice clearly Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
that
7
-14 and 25-35 groups areCorrect article usage
the 7
Change the article
the
rate
in 2005 but Use synonyms
35
and over Correct article usage
the 35
Use synonyms
group
is still lower than others. Add an article
the group
15
-24 Correct article usage
The 15
Use synonyms
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
group
Use synonyms
rise
from %30Wrong verb form
rose
to
%Change preposition
apply
50
between 2006-2007
Change preposition
to 50
Secondly
, the same thing Linking Words
happen
in 2007. 7-14 and 25-35 groups Wrong verb form
happened
equel
each and their percentage is %20. Correct your spelling
equal
That
Linking Words
is
Verb problem
apply
mean
they are in the middle 35 and over and 15-24 groups. Replace the word
means
Actually
percentages of 15-24 Add a comma
Actually,
is
almost on the top of Change the verb form
are
list
. Add an article
the list
Finally
, Linking Words
15
-24 Correct article usage
the 15
Use synonyms
ages
Change the noun form
age
group
is upper Use synonyms
tahn
others Correct your spelling
than
also
7-14 and 25-35 are Linking Words
same
and their percentage is in the middle of Correct article usage
the same
chart
(%30). İn contrast, Add an article
the chart
35
and over Correct article usage
the 35
Use synonyms
ages
Change the noun form
age
group
is Use synonyms
simillarly
Correct your spelling
similarly
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
one
each Correct your spelling
on
group
.Use synonyms
Submitted by türkoğluahmetonur on
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, ages, group, i̇n with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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