IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

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Art
Use synonyms
 plays a fundamental role in society as artists are able to express their thoughts and their culture in their work.
From past
Change preposition
For
show examples
 so many
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 it has been an integral part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cultures around the globe.
In contrast
Linking Words
, these days
values
Correct article usage
the values
show examples
 of the
people
Use synonyms
 have shifted towards science, technology and business as we consider them to be more important for various reasons. In the upcoming paragraphs, I will shed light on the reasons responsible for
this
Linking Words
along with
Linking Words
 the steps which should be undertaken by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
show examples
 to tackle it. At the outset,
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
show examples
 in both
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 demands of
people
Use synonyms
 and digital entertainment are the two main causes for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to choose other fields over
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, financial pressures
leading
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to focus more on practical careers.
Due to
Linking Words
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
show examples
 in
needs
Correct article usage
the needs
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
, many are opting
other
Change preposition
for other
show examples
 professions to secure a
job
Use synonyms
 to meet the demands of their families.
Along with
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, having a professional
job
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 other benefits,
such
Linking Words
 as
maternaty
Correct your spelling
maternity
leaves
Fix the agreement mistake
leave
show examples
, holidays, and sick
leaves
Fix the agreement mistake
leave
show examples
, which are paid by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employers and it is very unlikely when it comes to
art
Use synonyms
 professions.
Secondly
Linking Words
, changes in
lesiure
Correct your spelling
leisure
 activities with
rise
Add an article
the rise
show examples
 of digital entertainment
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 another cause of
people
Use synonyms
 not preferring
arts
Use synonyms
. In the earlier days,
vast
Add an article
the vast
show examples
 majority of individuals
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to spend their time learning different forms of
art
Use synonyms
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hobbie
Correct your spelling
hobbies
, but these days almost every single person
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 access to mobile phones and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 to keep them occupied with digital media.
Thus
Linking Words
,
shift
Correct subject-verb agreement
shifts
show examples
 in
job
Use synonyms
 priorities and changes
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 hobbies
due to
Linking Words
advancement
Correct article usage
the advancement
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 of technology are the reasons for
people
Use synonyms
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
prefer various careers rather than
arts
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 things that can be done to attract the attention of
people
Use synonyms
 towards
arts
Use synonyms
, namely education of
arts
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 promoting the benefits of
art
Use synonyms
. First and foremost,
arts
Use synonyms
 education could be made more accessible and integrated into school curricula to encourage young minds to take up
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 in
arts
Use synonyms
. A lot of parents who
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 from low socioeconomic backgrounds do not encourage
arts
Use synonyms
 for their kids to learn as it requires them to hire a tutor which can be expensive.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the government can implement
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 to reduce the school
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
 to make it more accessible to children from all backgrounds.
In addition
Linking Words
, news channels and advertisements on
bill boards
Correct your spelling
billboards
show examples
 or
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 shall promote the benefits of
arts
Use synonyms
 to grab the attention of
audience
Add an article
the audience
an audience
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 celebrities who have large fan following can advertise the advantages of
arts
Use synonyms
 like creativity and emotional intelligence.
This
Linking Words
 can lead them to follow the path
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their role models.
As a result
Linking Words
, teaching young minds about
arts
Use synonyms
 and the positives of the
arts
Use synonyms
 can minimise the causes of the issue. To encapsulate, increasing priorities towards securing a
job
Use synonyms
 and rapid technology advancements for entertainment are causing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to not prefer
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
. The education of
arts
Use synonyms
along with
Linking Words
 advertising the pros of
arts
Use synonyms
 can mitigate the causes.

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coherence cohesion
Try to use more varied transitions and linking words to improve the flow between different parts of the essay, as this will enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your main points in the body paragraphs could be better supported with more detailed examples. Consider giving specific instances where art has been beneficial or where interest in science and technology has overshadowed art.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a stronger conclusion. Summarize the main points briefly and perhaps suggest a call-to-action or an inspiring statement about the importance of art.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly sets the context and purpose of the essay. It outlines the shift towards science, technology, and business, and promises to discuss the reasons and solutions, which is ideal for clarity and direction.
logical structure
There is a clear logical structure to your essay. You have systematically addressed the causes and solutions in separate paragraphs, which aids reader understanding.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay provides an insightful perspective on societal changes and the shifting focus from arts to other fields. The connection between financial pressures and the choices people make is well-elaborated.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics)
  • evolve
  • technological advancements
  • overshadowing
  • financial pressures
  • practical careers
  • digital entertainment
  • accessible
  • integrated
  • curricula
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • public art projects
  • engage
  • interactive
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