IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young woman who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people argue that small
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 should avoid recruiting young females who do not have their own families in order to avoid paying
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave in their employment period. I personally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because every
woman
Use synonyms
 should have the
right
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 to create her own family and
work
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 at any age
of
Change preposition
in
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 her life. Every
woman
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have
Change the verb form
has
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 the
right
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 to build her own family. It is the human
right
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 of every
woman
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 to have her own family and become a mother. If small businesses avoid recruiting
women
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 only because they have to pay them on their
maternity
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 leaves, that will be
human
Add an article
a human
show examples
Use synonyms
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
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 violation because every
woman
Use synonyms
 has the
right
Use synonyms
 to become a mother and
work
Use synonyms
 to feed her
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
.
For example
Linking Words
, in India, many business companies do not have paid
maternity
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leaves
Fix the agreement mistake
leave
show examples
 for their female employees and sometimes terminate female employees during their
maternity
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leaves
Fix the agreement mistake
leave
show examples
. These employees revealed that they
are
Wrong verb form
were
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 suffering from financial difficulties during that period.
Moreover
Linking Words
, every
woman
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 has the
right
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 to
work
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 at
her
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
any stage of life. It is not acceptable that
women
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 should only
work
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 when they are young and do not have their own families. There should not be any age restriction to get a job for
women
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 only to avoid
maternity
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 leave
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payment
Fix the agreement mistake
payments
show examples
. Careers of
women
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 should not be restricted by motherhood
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
maternity
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 leave
payment
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in Bangladesh, many
women
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 who receive
maternity
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 leave
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payment
Fix the agreement mistake
payments
show examples
 can take care of their health and the newborn child and return to their workplaces after that. They said that
payment
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 has helped them a lot financially during
this
Linking Words
 leave. In conclusion, I fully disagree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint that small businesses should avoid
recruting
Correct your spelling
recruiting
 young to avoid paying
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave because
women
Use synonyms
 have the
right
Use synonyms
 to become mothers and have the
right
Use synonyms
 to
work
Use synonyms
 at any age.

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task achievement
Aim to offer more specific examples or references to studies or policies in various countries to strengthen your argument further.
general grammar
Ensure grammatical accuracy, especially with subject-verb agreement, e.g., "every woman have" should be "every woman has" and "feed her familiy" should be "feed her family".
coherence cohesion
While the main points are clear, consider refining sentences for enhanced sharpness and clarity. This will improve the overall impact of your argument.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses the rights of women to both work and start a family, connecting these ideas with real-world examples.
coherence cohesion
A clear and concise introduction and conclusion are present, tying the essay together effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical progression of ideas with clear paragraphs dedicated to individual points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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