IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of old people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
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In
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 era, there have been
number
Correct article usage
a number
show examples
social
Change preposition
of social
show examples
 phenomena that might happen to every nation. Increasing in
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of youth
population
Use synonyms
 at the current moment is a social phenomenon that might be predicted before
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
happening
Wrong verb form
happens
show examples
. Having an accurate program to organize
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 is an essential key to
bring
Wrong verb form
bringing
show examples
 welfare and
prosperous
Replace the word
prosperity
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 to society
otherwise
Linking Words
, it can cause social problems. In my opinion pros in
this
Linking Words
 context outweigh the cons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, having an accurate statistic of
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of kids that are born every year and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 an exact
planning
Replace the word
plan
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 for the future generations is an essential key for governors of a country to bring welfare to society. One major benefit of having
bulk
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the bulk
a bulk
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 of
youth
Correct article usage
the youth
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 is
active
Add an article
an active
the active
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 society which can enhance productivity, decline in stagnation and economic growth.
For example
Linking Words
, a 30-year program like
this
Linking Words
 has been implemented in Spain
resulted
Wrong verb form
resulting
show examples
 in economic progression.
In addition
Linking Words
, having a wholesome community is a consequence of a surge in the number of young adults.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 situation could result in
reduction
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a reduction
the reduction
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of
Change preposition
in
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 diseases compared to
Add an article
the elder
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elder
Replace the word
elderly
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 community.
For instance
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
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communities with a large ratio of adolescents are less likely to have diseases
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes or heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, acting without
no
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 specific plan in nations that are faced with growth in
population
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 significant harmful outcomes. In
this
Linking Words
context
Add a comma
context,
show examples
 social harms are at
top
Correct article usage
the top
show examples
 of the
exist
Replace the word
existing
show examples
 cons.
For example
Linking Words
,
Adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
Adolescents
show examples
 with no occupation in
this
Linking Words
societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
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 are susceptible to drug addiction,
crime
Replace the word
criminal
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 actions and other deviations.
This
Linking Words
 can influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
various mental aspects
such
Linking Words
 as depression and anxiety. Another considerable drawback is stagnation in economic status where there are no professions for youth to occupy. Based on
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 statements facts, predicting forthcoming information about
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 to make accurate schemes is
vital
Add an article
a vital
show examples
 point for countries to prosper and progress.
However
Linking Words
, it is foreseeable that containing numerous young adults is merely beneficial rather than harmful.
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coherence cohesion
Make sure your ideas are clearly and logically structured to improve the logical flow of your essay. This will enhance the coherence and cohesion of your writing.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are supported, ensure all points are elaborated thoroughly with specific details and explanations. This will strengthen task achievement and coherence.
task achievement
Try to be more precise in identifying and explaining potential disadvantages to better address the 'advantages vs. disadvantages' aspect of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You effectively included both an introduction and a conclusion, which presents a clear framework for your essay.
task achievement
The essay offers varied and relevant examples that support your points, demonstrating a reasonable level of task achievement.
task achievement
The essay largely remains on topic and provides a complete response to the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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