IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweight as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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It is well known that fast
food
Use synonyms
 is causing a lot of health problems
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a
big
Correct word choice
large
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 part of the population.
Therefore
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, in
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I am going to explain why the solution to solve
this
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 issue
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is not just increasing taxes on
this
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 type of
food
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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, if
governments
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 impose higher taxes on junk
food
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, there are many things to be considered.
For example
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, a big part of the people which consumes
this
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 type of
food
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 is doing it because it is very affordable.
Consequently
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, if you do not have a lot of money and you need to eat something, it is very probable that you will not go to a nice restaurant,
instead
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 you will go to Mc,
Donalds
Correct your spelling
McDonald
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 or KFC.
Therefore
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, after suggesting
this
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 policy,
governments
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 need to have some idea
on
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of
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 how to give another option on where to eat to those who can not afford anything else apart
of
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from
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 fast restaurants.
Secondly
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, just in the
US
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US,
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 there are more than 200,000 junk
food
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 restaurants, which means that if
governments
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 implement higher
taxex
Correct your spelling
taxes
, they need to have an idea
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 how is going to impact
in
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apply
show examples
those work areas
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because in many of these
places
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places,
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 employees are not well paid.
Thus
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, if
this
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 policy
increase
Change the verb form
increases
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 the cost of production, maybe employers will fire some workers, and
that is
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 going to create a big number of
unmeployed
Correct your spelling
unemployed
.
Nevertheless
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, the idea of increasing taxes is not bad, it just has some flaws that have to
be consider
Change the verb form
be considered
show examples
. In conclusion, if
governments
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 want to impose higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 on junk aliments, they need to have a complete understanding
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 what are the consequences going to be and how can they solve
this
Linking Words
 problem without causing another.

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task response
Try to fully address the prompt. The essay was written more as a response to increasing taxes on fast food rather than banning its sale in schools as the question prompts.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly relates to the central argument. The second main paragraph discusses taxes instead of the main topic.
task response
Use more relevant examples to fully explore your arguments. Discussing school environments and examples related to children's health could strengthen the essay.
task response
Your discussion about how affordability affects consumer choices provides relevant context for part of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, offering reasonable organization.
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