IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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Some individuals argue that
music
Use synonyms
 is a great way to destroy barriers around different nations and bring
people
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 from particular
countries
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 and races
in
Change preposition
to
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 the same spot.I strongly agree with
this
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 provided idea. Starting with the history of
music
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, from ancient times
people
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 from different empires and areas create
music
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 to represent their culture and to express their feelings with the sound the
music
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 makes.
For instance
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, in places like weddings whole individuals in that area
starts
Correct subject-verb agreement
start
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 to dance with the start of
music
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 and that situation creates
close
Correct article usage
a close
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 moment among the
people
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.
Moreover
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, there are famous musicians from the USA that
almost
Rephrase
apply
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have
fans
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 from all around the world and the main reason for
that is
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 even though a person doesn’t understand the lyrics of that song, the melody and beat can
come
Verb problem
be
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 attractive to that person.
As a result
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, even though they don’t share the same roots,
people
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 from different
countries
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 create fan bases for foreign musicians. These kinds of examples prove that
music
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is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 a universal thing in our universe for years.
Therefore
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, for many decades
fans
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 from different nations went to concerts of bands that represent other
countries
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.
However
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,
this
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 is not a big deal for them.
Instead
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 of blaming them because they don’t understand the language, they feel the atmosphere with other
fans
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 and that creates a precious amount of diversity in that area.
Furthermore
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, singers like Michael Jackson had millions of
fans
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 in every continent
due to
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 his universal songs that define everyone's
music
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 taste.
Countries
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 like Brazil,İtaly,İndia and Turkey are
the
Correct article usage
apply
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example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
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places
Change preposition
of places
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that
Correct word choice
where
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 Michael Jackson had fan bases.İn addition to that, it is clearly seen that even with
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 various examples we can easily see how a singer from
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 affected listeners from different areas and bring them together. İn conclusion, I massively believe that
music
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 plays a significant role in our society and creates positive outcomes.
Thus
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, it reduces stress among the listeners and brings communities together.
Submitted by muratberkel on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task, but it can be enhanced by comprehensively covering more viewpoints. Including a brief mention of potential counterarguments can strengthen your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your ideas are consistently linked. While you initiate a logical flow, try using more diverse connectors and transitions between paragraphs and ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.
Introduction and Conclusion Present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, offering a clear stance and a summarization of your points.
Relevant Specific Examples
You used relevant examples, such as the universal appeal of Michael Jackson, to support your main point about music transcending cultural barriers.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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