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Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
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Some individuals in our society think that it's
parents
Use synonyms
' job to guide their
children
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 about being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
valuable
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in the community.
However
Linking Words
, others think that it is the
school
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's mission to provide the kids with information about being
a precious individuals
Correct the article-noun agreement
a precious individual
precious individuals
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. On one hand, we can’t ignore the fact that
children
Use synonyms
 are one of the most significant
things
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 in our universe and for every nation.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 want to raise their kids in the best way possible and for
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 they play a huge
role
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 in the whole process.
For instance
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,if the father of that family is working and the mother is not,that mother teaches that
kid
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 the major
things
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 about life and tries to express the main details about being a kind and honest person.If the father has the amount of time to spend with his child he can
also
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 help that
kid
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 to grow in the best way possible by helping that
kid
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 with his or her issues or
also
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 teaching basic
things
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 about the
school
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.İf that
kid
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 is not going to kindergarten all the responsibility will place on the family and until the elementary
school
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 they will teach that child about the main
things
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 in our world.
On the other hand
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,
that
Correct word choice
apply
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children
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 would experience various kinds of
things
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 in
school
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 like receiving data about different subjects or creating strong relationships with other
students
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.
Thus
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,
school
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 is the place where almost every teenager spends their 8 hours and because of that many
students
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 see their teachers and classmates more than their family.The outcome of
this
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 situation is many
students
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 learn
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vital
things
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 about their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 at
this
Linking Words
 location and teachers
also
Linking Words
 play a massive
role
Use synonyms
 because just like classmates they
also
Linking Words
 create important contacts with their
students
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.
Due to
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 that,
teacher's
Correct article usage
the teacher's
show examples
role
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 became similar to the
parents
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 and
students
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 saw them as a
role
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 model in their future lives. İn conclusion,I personally think that both
school
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 and
parents
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 play an enormous
role
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 in the raising of
children
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 but I think
instead
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 of arguing about which one is better we have to understand the importance of these factors and realize how both
school
Use synonyms
 and family members help to create a successful person.
Submitted by muratberkel on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph links smoothly to the next with appropriate transitional phrases.
task achievement
Provide more examples or explanations to clearly differentiate the roles of parents and schools in teaching social values.
task achievement
Ensure a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, addressing potential overlaps or differences between parental and school education.
coherence cohesion
The essay successfully introduces the topic and provides a clear conclusion that reinforces your personal opinion.
task achievement
You clearly express that both parents and schools have significant roles in raising children, which addresses the task effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows a good effort in dividing ideas into paragraphs with introductory sentences, which supports the logical flow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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