IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In companies, promotions to high positions should be given to employees inside a company and not to someone outside the company or new hiring. What is your opinion on this?

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It is believed that, just inside employees of a
company
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 should be given promotions to high positions. I completely disagree with
this
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 approach.
To begin
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 with, prioritizing a
company
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’s workforce may cause keen competition among employees .
That is
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, if high positions are supposed to be given to those working in the
company
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, intense competition may occur, so staff are more likely to use unethical ways to attract the manager’s attention and win the competition. Take offering bribes, which people give something like money to others to be helped, as an example. In
this
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 way, unqualified workers, who offer money may be promoted to hold a higher position
while
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 they are not well-trained or even well-educated to deserve that kind of promotion.
In addition
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, the more new employees have a chance to get higher positions, the more motivated they will be to do their work better.
As a result
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 of
this
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, they could have more passion for acquiring more knowledge and their jobs_ related_ skills. A good example of
this
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 is engaging in occupational courses, in which people get more updated about their jobs through some instructions that have been given to them by professional experts or through tutorial videos.
Hence
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, they are more likely to come up with new ideas and pieces of advice and can make progress not only in that job but
also
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 in the whole
company
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. In conclusion, all qualified and hardworking staff should have
this
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 opportunity to hold a higher position to take advantage of both themselves and the
company
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.

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structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. While your essay generally adheres to a structure, your introduction and conclusion could be more clearly delineated and specific.
cohesion
Transition sentences should be used to improve the flow of ideas. Your essay lacks smooth transitions between paragraphs which can help in creating a cohesive argument.
support
Your main points must be well-supported by relevant examples or explanations. While you do provide some illustration, further support and development of main points is necessary for a stronger argument.
task response
It is important to fully respond to all parts of the task. While you do express a clear opinion, the depth and development of your response are somewhat limited, which could impact your score.
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