IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that young people bring more profit to the company. Others says that older people actually bring more profits. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, It is generally accepted that both experience and skill are the paramount qualities that any employer would look for in all of its employees. Many people argue that it is more profitable to hire youngsters
while
Linking Words
 others oppose saying that experienced employees bring
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of profits. Before forming an opinion, I shall discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sides in the subsequent paragraphs. Apparently, those who emphasize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
new talent say that young people are more
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
 and proactive in their work. They
also
Linking Words
 believe that these people are
well versed
Add a hyphen
well-versed
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cutting-edge technologies and know-how about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new technologies. After all, they are the ones who are grown up in
this
Linking Words
 era of computers and technology.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the fresh graduates have innovative thinking and
Correct article usage
a compitetive
show examples
compitetive
Correct your spelling
competitive
 nature which benefits the
company
Use synonyms
 in several ways and higher profits is just one of them.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the oppositions believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experienced persons who have worked in the same
company
Use synonyms
 or same field have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 understanding of the
business
Use synonyms
. They
storngly
Correct your spelling
strongly
 argue that experience is the best teacher. On account of their wide experience, they make diligent
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
 on critical matters and are best suited for delicate situations.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 to make or break a
business
Use synonyms
. One tiny mistake and the entire
business
Use synonyms
 can suffer a
hugh
Correct your spelling
huge
 loss or can even go bankrupt. Perhaps,
that is
Linking Words
 the reason why top executives in any
company
Use synonyms
 are paid lucratively.
For example
Linking Words
, recently, a renowned entrepreneur Elon Musk took over a social media
company
Use synonyms
 named Twitter and made drastic changes to the
company
Use synonyms
’s employment structure in order to make efficient use of its human resources and cut down the employment cost. Someone has rightly said, “
new
Correct article usage
A new
show examples
 broom swipes clean, but the old broom knows all the corners”. In my opinion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
talents are mutually exclusive; and a
business
Use synonyms
 must maintain a balance between young and older workers and
also
Linking Words
 make sure that they are aligned to the roles that can make
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 possible use of their skills.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention specific industries where younger or older employees show significant advantages.
coherence cohesion
Clarify some of the language to ensure that the essay flows smoothly. For example, instead of 'storngly argue that experience is the best teacher,' consider simplifying it to 'strongly believe that experience provides invaluable insights.'
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-structured introduction that clearly outlines the discussion of both views, which is engaging for the reader.
task achievement
A balanced perspective is maintained throughout the essay, acknowledging the benefits of both young and older employees.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Adaptable
  • Innovations
  • Breakthroughs
  • Deep industry knowledge
  • Mentors
  • Fostering
  • Workforce balance
  • Maximizing profits
  • Enthusiasm
  • Wisdom
What to do next:
Look at other essays: