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Writing Samples
Band 8

The chart below shows the proportion of people's total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008.

The chart below shows the proportion of people's total spending in a particular European country was spent on different commodities and services in 1958 and in 2008.
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The pie chart given displays the proportion of individual's total expenditure in a certain European country on different objects and services in 1958 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, in 1958 the rates of
people
Use synonyms
's spending on clothing were the highest,
while
Linking Words
 luxury goods were spent on the least.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
's spending on housing was the
most
Correct word choice
highest
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 in 2008,
while
Linking Words
 fewer
people
Use synonyms
 spent on travel/transport. In 1958,the percentage of individual's total spending on housing and luxury goods was 22% and 7% respectively;
however
Linking Words
, in 2008 the average rate experienced a rapid growth of 10% for both making it 32% for housing and 17% for luxury goods.
Moreover
Linking Words
,food was one of the commodities that
also
Linking Words
 experienced a rise in 2008,where the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
's spending on it was 8%;yet, in 2008 it rose reaching 17%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,clothing experienced a dramatic decline in the rate of
people
Use synonyms
's spending on it. As it was 32% in 1958,but dropped to only 12% in 2008.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,in 1958 travel/transport and entertainment were 13% and 18% respectively;yet,they both lost popularity over the years falling 7%(6%) in travel/transport and only 2% in entertainment(16%).

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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