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Writing Samples
Band 7

A bar graph may be static with data coming from one point in time for this graph compare the difference between leisure activities favourable by boys and girls in Canada

A bar graph may be static with data coming from one point in time for this graph compare the difference between leisure activities favourable by boys and girls in Canada
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The bar graph illustrates the four different activities that were performed by Canadian
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 in their leisure time.
Overall
Linking Words
, when considering all the figures,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the maximum proportion of
boys
Use synonyms
 preferred to go shopping, on the other side,
girls
Use synonyms
 liked to listen to music most in their free time. At the onset, it was evident that just over a quarter of
boys
Use synonyms
 liked to play sports.
However
Linking Words
, in computer games, the ratio was a dramatic change which accounted for nearly 20%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, approximately a fifth proportion of males love to listen to music.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the largest ratio of
boys
Use synonyms
 preferred to go shopping which generated almost 35%. Looking at
further
Linking Words
 details, one in ten
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
girls
Use synonyms
choosed
Correct your spelling
chose
show examples
 sports in their leisure time. But, in computer games, nearly 15% of females liked to play.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the maximum proportion was obtained by
girls
Use synonyms
 in music which showed 19%.
Lastly
Linking Words
, a minority of
girls
Use synonyms
choosed
Correct your spelling
chose
show examples
 shopping activities.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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