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Writing Samples
Band 8.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #responsibility #governments #individuals
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The number of obese people is rapidly increasing every year.
While
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 some believe that authorities should be held accountable for the rise in obesity rates, others argue that every person is to blame for
this
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 phenomenon. In
this
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 essay, I will analyze both arguments and will provide my opinion on the matter. On the one hand, governments somewhat affect the rising obesity rate by allowing unhealthy food companies to advertise their products on television and social media platforms. To make a strong impression on the audience, these companies frequently hire renowned personalities from the sports industry or Hollywood to promote their products.
Consequently
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, these strategies motivate consumers who admire their idols to purchase goods despite their harmful effects on well-being. Ultimately, these dietary practices may result in excess weight.
On the other hand
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, individuals are
also
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 accountable for consuming healthy meals to stay in shape.
However
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, many people prefer dining out because preparing food at home can be time-consuming. To give an example, the entire cooking process, including meal planning, grocery shopping, chopping ingredients, cooking, setting the table, eating, and cleaning up, can take at least two hours.
Furthermore
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, meals in most restaurants often have larger portions with high calories, which could result in weight gain if consumed regularly.
Hence
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, eating out should not be the preference, but the
last
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 resort. In conclusion, for the increase in the overweight population,
although
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 state officials have some responsibility for permitting the promotion of unhealthy foods, I believe individuals are more at fault for choosing an easy way out by eating outside
instead
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 of cooking at home.
Therefore
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, they need to step up and take some positive steps to overcome
this
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 predicament.
Submitted by turanavdeep on

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task achievement
Consider providing more varied examples to illustrate both sides of the argument. This will enrich your essay and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between points to enhance cohesion further, although this is already at a high level.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the discussed points effectively.
logical structure
Logical structure is maintained throughout the essay, making it easy to follow the argumentation.
supported main points
Each main point is well-supported with relevant examples, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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