The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. (Huy Trần)

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In the contemporary, social media is more and more popular, when we log in
any
Change preposition
to any
show examples
account on the
Internet
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal information
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is hold
Change the verb form
is held
show examples
by some
organistations
Correct your spelling
organisations
or large
Use synonyms
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
companies. In
this
Linking Words
paragraph, I will argue
this
Linking Words
trend and give my point of view.
To begin
Linking Words
, there are many reasons why the personal information of any individuals
is hold
Change the verb form
is held
show examples
by large
internet
Use synonyms
companies and organisations.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the trend of people in
nowday
Correct your spelling
nowadays
is
update
Fix the infinitive
to update
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
personal information on the
internet
Use synonyms
, extremely is young people. Through the
internet
Use synonyms
, companies and
organstations
Correct your spelling
organizations
organisations
can
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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task achievement
Your introduction is brief and lacks a clear thesis statement. Make sure to clearly state whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas with specific examples and detailed explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks cohesion and clear paragraph structure. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address all parts of the prompt, including both the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
You have attempted to address the topic by mentioning the trend of sharing personal information on the internet.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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