IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Prevention is better than cure." Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#prevention #cure #country #health #budget #proportion #treatment #education #measures
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There is an argument about whether the
major amount
Replace the word
majority
show examples
 of public healthcare
foundation
Fix the agreement mistake
foundations
show examples
 should be dedicated
in
Change the preposition
to
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 taking precautions or treatments.
However
Linking Words
, I acknowledge that
prevention
Use synonyms
 is efficient in many cases
due to
Linking Words
 some reasons, but I either believe that
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 equal proportion should be allocated
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 treatments; thereby the balanced approach will evolve the healthcare system. On the one hand, allocation the
public
Change preposition
of public
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 funds
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
prevention
Correct article usage
the prevention
show examples
 of disease should
be increase
Change the verb form
be increased
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 as equally as
Use synonyms
treatment
Add an article
a treatment
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 for several reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in many
Change to a plural noun
cases
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case
Add a comma
case,
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 the cost of
precaution’s
Change noun form
precaution
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 measures is very low and affordable rather
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
treatment
Use synonyms
. With
Fix the agreement mistake
prevention
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preventions
Add a comma
preventions,
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 both citizens and government utilize its benefits.
For example
Linking Words
, in
Correct article usage
the Covid
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Covid
Correct your spelling
COVID
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 epidemic, countries which took fast measures and pre-actions, including public awareness to use
mask
Fix the agreement mistake
masks
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 and vaccination, were successful in
control
Wrong verb form
controlling
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 the disease.
Such
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 countries lost minimum
individuals
Correct quantifier usage
number of individuals
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 in
compare
Replace the word
comparison
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 to countries which only relied on treating
this
Linking Words
 new infection.
Secondly
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, some
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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 may not
treat
Wrong verb form
be treated
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 currently,
while
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preventions
Fix the agreement mistake
prevention
show examples
 can eliminate them completely.
For instance
Linking Words
, childhood vaccination of children deters
from
Change preposition
apply
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some harmful and irreparable disorders
such
Linking Words
 as infantile paralysis.
On the other hand
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, in my point of view, spending
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 public budget on
treatment
Use synonyms
 is essential
due to
Linking Words
 some potential issues. First and the most is that some
pre measure
Correct your spelling
pre-measures
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 or education about health do not work properly, as the stem of that problem has not been discovered yet.
For example
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 MS or some types of cancer have not been demonstrated precisely, so spending too much money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
prevention
Use synonyms
 is not a sufficient action. The other challenge is
about
Change preposition
that
show examples
 some individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cannot access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health education or preventative measures. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
prevention
Use synonyms
 can offer very economical
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 toward the cures,
while
Linking Words
deter from
Wrong verb form
deterring
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 many deathful disorders, the
treatment
Use synonyms
 should be taken
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 same budget, as some diseases happen even by precautions.
Submitted by skharratian on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve sentence structure and grammar for better clarity and flow. Make sure each paragraph expresses one main idea supported by coherent examples.
task achievement
It's important to cover all aspects of the prompt in a more balanced way. Address the statement directly, and ensure that each argument is given equal weight and developed fully.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear division of ideas presented in a more organized manner. Transition smoothly between ideas and ensure that the ideas are linked logically.
task achievement
The essay does incorporate relevant examples like COVID and childhood vaccination to support the arguments, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your arguments effectively and helps in maintaining a structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • health education
  • public awareness
  • proactive approach
  • unsustainable
  • economic productivity
  • healthcare system
  • vaccinations
  • curative measures
  • comprehensive healthcare
  • financial burden
  • incidence
  • preventable diseases
  • eradicating
  • controlling
  • allocated
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