IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important. Discuss both the view and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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Some individuals consider career growth as their first option during the life period.
However
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, others argue spending time with family members and friends has to be the top priority comparing. Indeed, having a calm private, and personal life which can be based on respecting family and friends in their right positions can be considered fundamentally true to promote progressively and successfully in a job. On the one hand, we all believe that there has to be an income to create a family and have children.
Also
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, the incoming salary should be in a sufficient amount which can cover all necessities of family members.
For example
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, you have to be successful and professional enough to work somewhere that can cover all healthcare charges via insurance contracts.
Moreover
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, you shall be hired somewhere enabling you to buy a car or rent a flat quite unquestionably to commute your children to school or handle all required charges. In general, to get all of these opportunities to handle life requirements, there has to be time-spending and a great focus on being professional as much as possible in the career.
However
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, all of these are for the comfort of the respected family which have to be arranged in order.
On the other hand
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, if someone always concentrates on personal issues and does not focus on the allocated tasks in the workplace, most probably they will not be able to satisfy their employers.
For instance
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, sometimes some companies are forced to achieve a milestone in a certain time and
accordingly
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 ask their employees to stay at work even on weekends. In
this
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 case, the person can manage the situation to stay at work and meanwhile convince their family about the importance of the case explaining that,
this
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 may not be always,
nonetheless
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, the order of the manager has to be respected formally to be loyal and faithful to the company.
However
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, still, the family can stay in first priority and in case of repeating frequently of these company issues the order can be rejected.
To conclude
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, a career is supposed to have a healthy family, and cannot be true to sacrifice all the family requirements to promote in the workplace.
Accordingly
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, everything has to be managed in its own position.

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Task Achievement
Your essay generally addresses the prompt well and discusses both sides of the argument. However, to improve further, ensure that your personal opinion is more clearly stated and integrated throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but try to enhance your clarity by using more varied language and sentence structures. This will help in expressing your ideas more effectively.
Task Achievement
You have provided some examples, but strive to include more specific and varied examples that can enhance your arguments and demonstrate broader knowledge or experience.
Coherence and Cohesion
Though your logical structure supports your discussion, organizing your essay into clearer paragraphs with distinct topic sentences could enhance cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, which will improve the overall flow of your essay. Utilizing linking words effectively could strengthen the cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the two opposing viewpoints of the topic.
Task Achievement
You successfully presented logical arguments for both sides of the discussion, providing a balanced perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points, reinforcing your overall stance.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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