IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In achieving personal happiness our relationship with family,friends and colleagues are more important rather then work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree

#happiness #relationship #friends #colleagues #work #wealth
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Personal happiness is a term where the meaning can vary from person to person and everyone can have different perspectives . But I believe that the eternal meaning of personal happiness lies within one’s inner self only.
Wealth
Use synonyms
 is an important factor and it’s necessary to survive in
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 world but what to do
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 all the
wealth
Use synonyms
 if one
don’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn’t
show examples
 have
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
family and
friends
Use synonyms
 to share it with
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 So I personally believe
wealth
Use synonyms
 should be placed secondary .
Relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
Relationships
show examples
 with your
friends
Use synonyms
 and family can decide
Correct article usage
a persons
show examples
persons
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 life
as well as
Linking Words
 his future
for example
Linking Words
 if a person is good, polite,
helpful
Correct word choice
and helpful
show examples
 with his
friends
Use synonyms
 ,family and even
too
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 strangers that means he is good at heart and that point can be very good judge of his character. These people can get you much more in
one’s
Correct your spelling
your
show examples
 life
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 money can’t buy, that’s “Inner peace” and that satisfaction which can only be shared with your loved ones. Lets me share
you
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
my story I have been in
canada
Change the capitalization
Canada
show examples
 for 4 years now and since
then
Linking Words
 I have achieved many feats in terms of
of
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
my personal life but still that void stays inside of me that it would be great if I had my parents and my childhood
friends
Use synonyms
 here with me to share
this
Linking Words
 success . So
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 my relationship with all of them which gives me the power, the personal happiness which is more superior for me
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 any
wealth
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 world.
Submitted by engineerkhushbu97 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to state your thesis clearly in the introduction. Although the main point is clear, explicitly stating your position early on can improve clarity.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more fully. For example, add more specific examples or anecdotes, particularly to support the point about relationships and happiness.
coherence cohesion
Use varied sentence structures to improve readability and interest. This will also aid in expressing your ideas more comprehensively.
task achievement
Your personal anecdote adds a strong, relatable touch to your argument about the importance of relationships over wealth.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction that sets up the topic, and a conclusion that summarizes your viewpoint effectively.
task achievement
The essay effectively emphasizes the importance of relationships through multiple points of view, enhancing understanding of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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