IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this

#happiness #relationships #friends #colleagues #work #wealth
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With the increasing pressures of today's
money
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-driven world, it is hard to achieve
happiness
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 through professional development or wealth. I firmly believe that
relationships
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 with family and friends have an indispensable part in everyone's lives. The forthcoming paragraph will analyse both aspects of
this
Linking Words
 argument. On the
one
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 hand, people are getting crazy towards
money
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 and materialistic products. Because, when individuals give more importance to their work life and how to become wealthier.
For instance
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, we can see many celebrities have so much
money
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 but that
money
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 can't buy
happiness
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, and
one
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
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 is Amitabh Bachchan, he is
one
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 of the most famous personalities in India, but he is suffering from depression.
Overall
Linking Words
, wealth does not give personal
happiness
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, and it will not be helpful
any
Change preposition
in any
show examples
 way for maintaining
relationships
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. On the other side, old people always give us advice that maintain our
relationships
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 first rather than run towards the
money
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. In the past days, every others so honest and sensible towards their
relationships
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, which provides stress-relieve life to them.
For example
Linking Words
, they focus on family talks, share ideas and detailed things going on, and it provides security and trust between them. Even though colleagues have
one
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 of the major roles in every worker's life they give advice if we
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 wrong in
case
Add an article
the case
show examples
 and share perspectives. In conclusion, no
one
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 can achieve
happiness
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 in a wealthy lifestyle. I can say in
this
Linking Words
 modern era, we should stop running after
money
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 and give some positivity to the family and friends
relationships
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.
Submitted by engineerkhushbu97 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to organize your paragraphs so that each one presents a clear, single idea and related examples. This will improve the overall coherence and logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Strengthen your arguments by providing more specific examples that link directly to your main points. This will also help in clearly conveying your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively summarizing the main points of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position on the importance of relationships over wealth in achieving personal happiness.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal happiness
  • strong relationships
  • family
  • friends
  • colleagues
  • work and wealth
  • temporary happiness
  • fulfilling
  • sense of belonging
  • connection
  • meaningful interactions
  • joy
  • fulfillment
  • building and maintaining
  • time and effort
  • communication
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balance
  • well-being
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