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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #individuals #societies #levels #achievement #merits #relationship #equality #success
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While
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 some individuals advocate that people can achieve more in a fair
society
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, others support the idea that personal merits are determining factors for high-level
success
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. From my perspective, I believe that a righteous and positive
society
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 contributes to more productive research outcomes.
However
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, the relationship between fairness and
fulfillment
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fulfilment
show examples
 is complex and multifaceted, and it is not a dispensable key to
success
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. On one hand, there is no denying that personal persistence and efforts play a significant role in accomplishment. As the saying goes, 'Genius is one
percent
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per cent
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 inspiration and ninety-nine
percent
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per cent
show examples
 perspiration.' A case in point is Marie Curie's discovery of radium and polonium, achieved successfully after experiencing countless failures. It is worth noting that she lived in a chaotic and unstable European
society
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 at that time, yet she made great efforts to overcome these difficulties.
Therefore
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, external factors did not affect her ability to pursue high-level achievement.
Instead
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, the harsh environment strengthened her determination to succeed
On the other hand
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, a fair and favourable
society
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 is conducive to personal fulfilment. It can not only provide funding and technology support but
also
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 offer a number of opportunities for people to find their expertise. Silicon Valley in the United States serves as a prime example where individuals are encouraged to take risks and innovate based on their strengths. With the promotion of positive and fair policies in that area, Silicon Valley has become a global centre for high technology and innovation and nurtures a lot of young people with enthusiasm for pursuing their dreams.
Furthermore
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, a more equitable distribution of resources and support can empower marginalized groups to reach their full potential,
thus
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 benefiting the entire community.
For example
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, scholarships and financial aid programs have enabled students from low-income families to attend prestigious universities. As these students graduate and enter the workforce, they could bring valuable skills and knowledge that might enrich
society
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 as a whole. In conclusion, personal
success
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 is influenced by a combination of factors, including equality of opportunity and the freedom to succeed or fail based on individual merits.
However
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, a
society
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 that values both equality and individual merit is likely to see higher levels of
overall
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success
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 and fulfilment among its members.
Submitted by zhangkejiakrizza on

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conclusion
Provide a clearer conclusion linking both perspectives discussed in the essay to strengthen your thesis statement.
coherence
Ensure that each idea and example smoothly transitions into the next, enhancing the logical flow of your essay.
examples
The essay provides insightful points on both perspectives, illustrating them with relevant examples such as Marie Curie and Silicon Valley.
structure
Both the introduction and conclusion are present, framing the arguments effectively and providing a comprehensive view of the topic.
language
The essay employs an appropriate academic vocabulary and uses clear, varied sentence structures which enhance readability.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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