IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Recently, many
nations
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 have ordered their youth to join military service after they have graduated from school.
This
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 idea interests many
countries
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 to apply
this
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system
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 for both men and women, if possible. In
this
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 essay, I will highlight the reasons for
this
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 discussion and give my perspective
further
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.
Firstly
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, adopting
this
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 military service
system
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 will benefit national defences. The military forces will be filled with young
people
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 who still have a strong and healthy body. It will make their country stronger than others who still have not adopted
this
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system
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.
For example
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, Russia, which has applied
this
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system
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 for almost 200 years ago, become one of the strongest military forces in the world. Their
people
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 have been trained since they were young and
consequently
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, it has turned them stronger and smarter.
Secondly
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, not all
countries
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 are ready to apply
this
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 military
system
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 to their
people
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. There are still many
nations
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 who still struggle with poverty and famine. Applying
this
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system
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 will only cause them even more.
For instance
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,
countries
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 in Africa
such
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 as
,
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apply
show examples
 Sudan, which still faces food scarcity, usually have short and thin bodies. It will only produce weak
people
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 for the military force and not give much strength to their defences. In summary, there are many benefits to adopting
this
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system
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to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 all
nations
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, but not all
nations
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 are ready to apply it. I believe some
countries
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such
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 as Sudan should
also
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 adopt
this
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system
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 in the future,
hence
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, they have to increase their human resources first by overcoming the poverty and famine problem.

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advice coherence cohesion
Your essay is clear and well-presented, but it could benefit from more specific examples or data to support your arguments. Consider using studies, statistics, or quotes where applicable.
advice task achievement
Some ideas could be expanded for clarity. For example, explaining how military training contributes to increased national defense capabilities could strengthen your argument.
highlight introduction
The introduction sets the stage well for the discussion, clearly stating the issue and your intention to discuss it.
highlight conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and presents a clear opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
What to do next:
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