IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

the childen and adults in many countries playing vedio games .many people belive that it harmful. To what extent you are agree with this statement

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Technology revolutionised the living standards of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 for a couple of decades and even individuals cannot imagine their lives without technology.It is believed that in many countries kids and adults are sticking to playing video
games
Use synonyms
 which is very detrimental to them. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 assertion, as playing video pastime creates a host of problems for
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
show examples
 and children from daily routine to future growth.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the first and foremost reason for not creating a habit of remaining glued to mobile phones or computers to play fun is it leads to many health hassles. As it creates
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle, which
then
Linking Words
give
Change the verb form
gives
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 birth to many diseases like
hypertentionand
Correct your spelling
hypertension and
 obesity.
For instance
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 have a bad habit of eating a lot
while
Linking Words
 playing
games
Use synonyms
 on electronic devices.
Moreover
Linking Words
,it
also
Linking Words
 creates social
isolations
Fix the agreement mistake
isolation
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.If
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 or kids are only playing indoors on
elevctronic
Correct your spelling
electronic
 gadgets, they always lacking behind with confidence to face
people
Use synonyms
 from all walks of life. They are always afraid of
face to face
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
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 conversations or discussions.So, it will not only mitigate the personal growth of individuals but
also
Linking Words
 create a host of problems for the country as well. If the
people
Use synonyms
 of a country are facing issues like that
then
Linking Words
 how can they generate good leaders and
excellent
Correct article usage
an excellent
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 workforce for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
On the other hand
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, some agreed upon playing these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
games
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 because they think that, playing
games
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 helps to generate some skills in adults like, how to concentrate on goals and how to win
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 race by defeating others. It helps to generate curiosity in individuals to achieve targets and set goals, that are
agin
Correct your spelling
again
 helpful for future career opportunities. In conclusion, technology is like a double-edged sword, having lots of benefits and same time creating lots of problems. So, Playing video fun should be prohibited in schools and offices. One should have some time limits to spend hours on screen.

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task achievement
To improve your Task Response, ensure that you provide more specific examples to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
In terms of Coherence and Cohesion, focus on providing a more logical structure that clearly links your ideas. This could involve using more transitional words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, effectively stating and summarizing your position on the topic.
task achievement
The essay topic is addressed with a clear stance, and you provide both sides of the argument, which strengthens your analysis and response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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