IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. (Hoàng Trung)

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Big businesses and organizations receive big collections of data from individuals. The information provides possibilities to assist in finding what consumers want, and research and trends in people's lives.
On the other hand
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, the probability of hackers harming personal space
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 is very possible. Recently, social users noticed platforms
such
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 as Facebook and Instagram, suggest what we are interested in based on our search histories.
While
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 scrolling the internet, it offers a particular type of product or content that users liked or looked for previously.
As a result
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, permission to collect knowledge
,
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 gives us the benefit of saving time.
Additionally
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, organizations gather personal information collection
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 and analyze it. It can be used as research for World Health Organizations, the United Nations and the European Union. Extracting insights from info points
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 would help results to be more accurate and fact-based.
Whereas
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 advantages contribute to the wellness of humans, there are some disadvantages too. Losing statistics to hackers is one of the drawbacks. Using that
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 can be harmful in many ways to broad from individuals to the country's safety. Governments focus on tightening the security on cyber have meaning. For men, the most crime occurs; money fraud, kidnapping, and threats using their personal records. I believe in
this
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 21st century, statistics is the most valued tool for where it's needed. It can be lucrative to the companies, and necessary to societies to make the world better. But they needed strict protection, to avoid attacks from cybercriminals.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph clearly builds upon the previous one. The progression of ideas should be seamless.
task achievement
Strengthen the main points with more detailed examples or evidence. This will make your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are expressed clearly and explicitly. Some ideas may require more elaboration to be fully understood by the reader.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively set the stage and summarize the main points discussed, which helps in reinforcing your argument.
task achievement
You have identified key issues such as security concerns with data, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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