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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to s3x and age. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to s3x and age. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
The bar graphs
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 kind of different
music
Use synonyms
 albums bought by British
people
Use synonyms
 based on their gender and number of
years
Use synonyms
, which are
pop
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
,
rock
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
, and classical
music
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 report will summarize the key features and make a relevant comparison where necessary.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that
rock
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 and
pop
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 have
increased
Correct article usage
an increased
show examples
 percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 who buy in Britain in
contract
Correct your spelling
contrast
show examples
classical
Change preposition
to classical
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 experiencing a decline in
sales
Use synonyms
. Looking at details more closely, it can be seen that
pop
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 and
rock
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 have
increasing
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
 in their
sales
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, younger
people
Use synonyms
 between 25 to 34
years
Use synonyms
 are high consumers of these two
music
Use synonyms
 because of the percentage
reach
Correct subject-verb agreement
reaches
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
35% in both.
Also
Linking Words
,
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 are
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 lovers of
rock
Use synonyms
 and
pop
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 where the percentage rose to 28%
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 just 28%. Compared to
oldest
Correct article usage
the oldest
show examples
, old
people
Use synonyms
 have
low
Change the article
a low
the low
show examples
 number of
sales
Use synonyms
reach
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 only 8%.  On another hand, the data
also
Linking Words
 show that classical
music
Use synonyms
 is not famous
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 in Britain
unlike
Add the comma(s)
, unlike
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the number of
sales
Use synonyms
are reach
Change the verb form
reaches
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
23% of
people
Use synonyms
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
show examples
 more than 40
years
Use synonyms
. Compared to
people
Use synonyms
 from 60 to 24
years
Use synonyms
 have the lowest
sales
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words music, people, years, pop, rock, sales with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph representation
  • categorized
  • predominant
  • disparities
  • similarities
  • age-related preferences
  • noticeable trends
  • age brackets
  • wider appeal
  • demographics
  • speculate
  • resurgence
  • vinyl records
  • digital streaming
  • music genres
  • albums purchases
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